Forgotten Towns

One Saturday in August, Charlie and I spent 12 hours driving toward, along, around, and away from the Texas-Mexico border. The first thing to know is that our entire “day trip” was informed by a very devious, very outdated, and quite frankly UTTERLY FALSE AND DIABOLICAL flier that we picked up at an overly hip hotel… Continue reading Forgotten Towns

On Spiders

I think it's time to talk about spiders.Why are spiders so terrifying? I have no answer. But if I had a dime for every time I almost walked through a gigantic spiderweb inhabited by a huge, lurking, ravenous spider, I would have at least a dollar.Here are some terrifying facts about spiders:1. Somehow, spiders have… Continue reading On Spiders

Traumatizing Moments From My Present, Volume Six: Like One of Those Rap Guys’ Girlfriends

If I had a dollar for every time someone freestyled a rap about how beautiful I am, I would have $1.Now, if that one dollar came from a man named TUPAC, then all would be well and good, but unfortunately that dolla-rap came from a creeper of terror who was missing a significant portion of… Continue reading Traumatizing Moments From My Present, Volume Six: Like One of Those Rap Guys’ Girlfriends

An Interview With Octomom

Brace thyselves.NBC, after catching word of my crackshot interviewing skills--most notably with Barack Obama and Myself--offered me $8,000 last week to interview Octomom. I refused. They upped the offer to $80,000. I said no, shut off my cell phone, and locked myself in my apartment. They burst through the door, bound and gagged me, and… Continue reading An Interview With Octomom