Forgotten Towns

One Saturday in August, Charlie and I spent 12 hours driving toward, along, around, and away from the Texas-Mexico border. The first thing to know is that our entire “day trip” was informed by a very devious, very outdated, and quite frankly UTTERLY FALSE AND DIABOLICAL flier that we picked up at an overly hip hotel… Continue reading Forgotten Towns

Brief, Impassioned Book Reviews in Capslock

Want to know my favorite thing in the world that I've loved since I was 12? Sleeping in on Saturday mornings, rolling over groggily, and picking up a book. O! for the days when that book was Harry Potter! I may never know such passionate investment in a world again. (I'm like 20% invested in… Continue reading Brief, Impassioned Book Reviews in Capslock

The Internet Makes Me Feel Sad, Part 2

Some writer-type people are very vocal about their depression. Some are vocal about their sexual orientation, their childhood traumas, their totally misunderstood penchant for offering small children a lift in their nice, clean, white van. This is all part of this thing writers attempt to do called "connecting," which, yawn, whatever, but there is one issue of… Continue reading The Internet Makes Me Feel Sad, Part 2

In Defense of Babies’ Rights

In this day of hyper-stylized political sensitivity and outrage over perceived "income gaps" and "gender inequality," it is truly appalling how willingly society turns a blind eye to the terrible plight of a huge portion of our American population. I refer, of course, to babies. These silent sufferers are objectified, victimized, and discriminated against on… Continue reading In Defense of Babies’ Rights

Guest Post: Breasts & the Oscars (or, Because I Don’t Have Tina Fey’s Address, I Sent This to Toridotgov)

HUNGOVER AFTER THE VANITY FAIR OSCAR PARTY, I WENT TO A NEARBY GREASY SPOON AND PENNED THIS PULITZER-WORTHY LETTER ON A NAPKIN WHICH I THEN USED TO BLOT THE HINT OF VOM OFF OF ANNE HATHAWAY’S LIP: Letter of Interest toridotgov 1051 Cyberspace Ave This Laptop, IN, 00000 Feb 25, 2013 Dear toridogov, As I… Continue reading Guest Post: Breasts & the Oscars (or, Because I Don’t Have Tina Fey’s Address, I Sent This to Toridotgov)

A Few Thoughts on Nostalgia

(Isn't it great that we can title things "A Few Thoughts On..." and it gives us the excuse to totally abandon all but the barest bones of form and cohesion? I'm just so glad I live in 2013, you know?) It's nearing midnight here in the magical city of Bloomington, IN, and I have created… Continue reading A Few Thoughts on Nostalgia

Deconstructing the Deconstructionist: Graduate School Lingo I Cannot Tolerate

All industries have their insider lingo. When I worked in publishing, we frequently burned huge piles of books while shouting, “DIE, WITCH, DIE,” but all it meant was, “Looks like we're gonna be a little late on the print run this month.” When I worked at Starbucks, I would yell “DON'T YOU JUST HATE ALL… Continue reading Deconstructing the Deconstructionist: Graduate School Lingo I Cannot Tolerate

The Internet Makes Me Feel Sad

This post was kind of embarrassing to write and makes me sound like a total loser, so you can't judge me, okay? Who are we kidding, you'll judge me. IT'S WHAT WE HUMANS DO. Every time I go online, I am overwhelmed with a constant, low-grade social anxiety. This anxiety stays with me for a… Continue reading The Internet Makes Me Feel Sad

Quick ‘n Easy Ways to Destroy Amazon Dot Com

Friends of my heart, you should all know by now that Amazon Dot Com (I refuse to link to that oily slushpile of an Internet wasteland) is the Devil Incarnate, and that Jeff "Beelzebub" Bezos, its evil founder, will turn you to stone if you stare directly into his cataract-ridden eyes. Why is Amazon so… Continue reading Quick ‘n Easy Ways to Destroy Amazon Dot Com