Gray is the best neutral ever, and who wears gray better than a pigeon? Nobody—except possibly one of those rude, moody seals I’m always seeing on Project Runway: Sea World. Not only do pigeons rock the new neutral like it’s 1492 and everyone is dying of scurvy and their skin has gone gray from malnutrition, but they’ve got the attitude to match. Ever tried to shoo a pigeon out of your way? Important lesson from our avian friends: swagger is half the battle.
2. Old pieces of gum.
What’s more common than a Brooklynite waif in high-waisted jean shorts? A piece of gum stuck to the sidewalk. Next time you’re in a color-coordinating rut, draw inspiration from the speckled concrete. A Bubblicious pink pairs perfectly with a cool Doublemint green. Add a flawless Orbit-white manicure and you’re the queen of too-cool-for-school, except for the gross bottoms of your shoes that are now covered in chewed-up Brooklyn spitballs, but who’s looking at them except the mole people, because the street is secretly a one-way mirror through which they observe us all?????????
3. A trash can.
Some say metallics are in again. I say they never left. While languid hipsters opt for those weird rings that go above your first knuckle–oh yeah, that’s a great idea, the only thing keeping it on is folds of finger skin, and is that the grossest phrase you’ve heard today or what?–we should all aspire to be as cool as the nearest trash can by wearing head-to-toe silver. Kidnap Liberacci for your date and call it a night at the Oscars (silver duct tape not included).
4. Harried moms.
Who does bedhead and a I-just-slept-in-my-eyeliner smokey eye better than a stressed-out mom dashing to the grocery store? If you’re feeling really authentic, change your ringtone to the sound of a wailing baby and bathe in sour milk, like Cleopatra gone preggo.
Ever walked through a particularly powerful wireless signal and felt the glory and artistry of the internet waft right through your pores? Next time you’re feeling uninspired, load up your favorite website–you know, the one that’s designed to make you feel good about wasting your life away on the internet without offering you a single meaningful or original sentence. Ah, the glitz of pop-up ads! The glitter of clickable headlines! The sophisticated way every single article starts with “Ten Ways to…”! Cover yourself from head to toe with stickers and twinkly lights, light your hair on fire, and jump off the nearest clip cliff. What cutting-edge social commentary about the future of the internet you’ve just performed!