How to Behave on Valentine’s Day


It’s a special day, dear little snowflake. It’s a day when most people are just trying to take a few minutes to literally smell the roses, so this means it’s prime time for you to act like the total asshole you are. Because never forget: it’s always all about you.

1. Overuse the phrase “Hallmark holiday.” After all, Hallmark invented love (along with fascism, wild animal sanctuaries, and guacamole). The nerve!

2. Be lame. Today of all days, make sure you don’t put any extra effort into the act of being a human being. Flake on plans, act socially awkward, and don’t wash your face.

3. Concentrate on your diet. Why eat chocolate and pink cupcakes when you can loudly complain about how you can’t afford to eat chocolate and pink cupcakes?

4. Be bitter about your single status. That’s how to ketch ’em!

5. Don’t tell your parents you love them. Love is hot air balloon rides and champagne, love isn’t raising, feeding, funding, and listening to your bratty ass for 20+ years.

6. Better forget your friends, too. Screw ’em!

7. Lucky enough to have a significant other? Time to get cliche. Did you know they make roses that come with a chocolate bar? Your catchphrase for today is “two birds, one stone.”

8. Passive-aggression looks good on everyone.

9. Wear black. Look, you’re a cutting-edge social critic!

10. Creep on people with boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. If they don’t go for it, you can roll your eyes and blame Hallmark. No one understands you, baby. Take a shot.



  1. I have a terrifying bear that came with the last box of laundry detergent I purchased to give you, along with a Dove bar that I ate half of before realizing it wasn’t vegan. LYLAS!


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