The Thorin Oakenshield Dilemna

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After watching a movie that strongly favored a bunch of short men run around in furs fighting goblins, I realized that I know nothing about men, despite having a younger brother who was sort of a nudist at one point.

What do men want? What are their dreams? Who are their role models? Do all men secretly want to be hairy barbarians, pillaging the countryside, or do they want to be Brad Pitt or do they want to be Usain Bolt or do they want to be Mark Zuckerberg or the Old Spice guy or Franz Lizst or Elvis or what?

I don’t think the answer is “boobs” or “beer.” If it is, why are you reading my blog, KEN? I KNOW WE USED TO CHAT ON AIM AND THERE WAS THAT ONE WEIRD TIME AT THE MOVIES BUT I NEVER LIKED YOU! Excuse me. My point is, men must have gaping existential depths just like women do—a man authored Nausea, after all. But the men I know tend to keep their jagged chasms close to their chest.

Women are mysterious creatures of mist and flame, but if you want to know what women want to be like, the answer is simple: Carrie Bradshaw. Oh shut up everyone and stop stressing out, it’s true. We all love to hate her, but we all want to be her: cool career, tons of free time to smoke cigarettes while gazing mournfully out the window of our amazing apartment, voluminous hair. And then we want to be our own fabulous selves at the same time. That’s why we’re all so troubled. (If a girl doesn’t want to be Carrie Bradshaw, she’s a soul-sucking hipster, and I simply don’t have time to tell you why that’s so terribly wrong.)

After watching Thorin Oakenshield fight the Pale Orc in his sexy fur vest, I was forced to ask myself: do I really know my boyfriend? What does my boyfriend truly want? He is descended from Viking stock. At the end of the day does he just want to run around in a fur vest, killing Orcs and re-conquering his ancestral home deep in the mountain? I’m totally cool with that. This begs the question, why don’t we live in Middle Earth? Yes, the living conditions are fairly primal, but not when you live in RIVENDALE! #elfpride

I know you’re all looking for some sort of closure here, but unfortunately, when I tried to figure out exactly what men want, the equation quickly backfired:

Men like…bacon!

…so they also like…cupcakes! (Maple-bacon cupcakes are very popular in the States these days. QED.)

…and that means they must like…Sex and the City! (Magnolia Bakery.)

…and Carrie Bradshaw!

….?

Speak up, men: what’s your deal?

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3 thoughts on “The Thorin Oakenshield Dilemna”

  1. I’m totally sotked for The Hobbit to hit theaters. Like, I totally fangirled when I heard they were turning it into a film. But, can you believe that I only watched the trailer for it just now? And, OHMYGOSH I’m even more excited!I read the Hobbit when I was 13. It was after the first LOTR movie came out and I was hopelessly obsessed with it. I made my mom take me to the book store and I promptly bought The Hobbit plus the trilogy.I plowed through the Hobbit. It was so exciting and unlike any book I had ever read at that time. Unfortunately, that’s not the same with the trilogy. Now…I adore the movies. I’ve watched them about as much as I’ve read the Harry Potter series. But, those books were a doozy. They were not nearly as fast-paced as the Hobbit, and I think that’s what did it for me. Tolkien uses very vivid descriptions and his world building is some of the best, but I just didn’t care when all I wanted was some action.I’ve been thinking of re-reading the Hobbit before I see it in theaters. Refresh my memory a little. And then…I might give the LOTR trilogy another go. Maybe I’ll have the patience to get through them this time…!- Jackie

You are truly great.

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