After watching a movie that strongly favored a bunch of short men run around in furs fighting goblins, I realized that I know nothing about men, despite having a younger brother who was sort of a nudist at one point.
What do men want? What are their dreams? Who are their role models? Do all men secretly want to be hairy barbarians, pillaging the countryside, or do they want to be Brad Pitt or do they want to be Usain Bolt or do they want to be Mark Zuckerberg or the Old Spice guy or Franz Lizst or Elvis or what?
I don’t think the answer is “boobs” or “beer.” If it is, why are you reading my blog, KEN? I KNOW WE USED TO CHAT ON AIM AND THERE WAS THAT ONE WEIRD TIME AT THE MOVIES BUT I NEVER LIKED YOU! Excuse me. My point is, men must have gaping existential depths just like women do—a man authored Nausea, after all. But the men I know tend to keep their jagged chasms close to their chest.
Women are mysterious creatures of mist and flame, but if you want to know what women want to be like, the answer is simple: Carrie Bradshaw. Oh shut up everyone and stop stressing out, it’s true. We all love to hate her, but we all want to be her: cool career, tons of free time to smoke cigarettes while gazing mournfully out the window of our amazing apartment, voluminous hair. And then we want to be our own fabulous selves at the same time. That’s why we’re all so troubled. (If a girl doesn’t want to be Carrie Bradshaw, she’s a soul-sucking hipster, and I simply don’t have time to tell you why that’s so terribly wrong.)
After watching Thorin Oakenshield fight the Pale Orc in his sexy fur vest, I was forced to ask myself: do I really know my boyfriend? What does my boyfriend truly want? He is descended from Viking stock. At the end of the day does he just want to run around in a fur vest, killing Orcs and re-conquering his ancestral home deep in the mountain? I’m totally cool with that. This begs the question, why don’t we live in Middle Earth? Yes, the living conditions are fairly primal, but not when you live in RIVENDALE! #elfpride
I know you’re all looking for some sort of closure here, but unfortunately, when I tried to figure out exactly what men want, the equation quickly backfired:
…so they also like…cupcakes! (Maple-bacon cupcakes are very popular in the States these days. QED.)
…and that means they must like…Sex and the City! (Magnolia Bakery.)
…and Carrie Bradshaw!
Speak up, men: what’s your deal?