Controversial Lines From My Future Autobiography

“I stabbed him in the heart 87 times with a collapsible knife. People stopped laughing somewhere around the 5th stab. By the time I was halfway done, the room was bathed in total silence, and when I finished and looked up–sweaty, flushed, victorious–I was surprised to see that every last person in the audience had left.”

“‘Will you not learn?’ I shouted at my students, bashing them one-by-one over the head with Gardner’s The Art of Fiction, as though I were playing a deadly game of Duck, Duck, Goose.”

“In those days, I often found myself alone in the cemetery, casually digging up graves as I mused on the nature of truth.”

“I had always hated those who try to dethrone canonized authors for the sake of some sort of arrogant, misguided hipster cool, but I had never shot one through the head before.”

“When he wasn’t looking, I placed a heroin needle in the back of his neck, as gently as an acupuncturist. He didn’t notice, but kept declaiming the latest Pulitzer winner as “bourgeois drivel.” I had never forgiven him for the review he gave my first book of poetry, which included the phrase “Ms. Telfer writes as though the world is a verdant park at night, and we are but creepers lurking behind the trees.”‘

“The moonlight sparkled on the snow.” [Controversial for its seemingly oblivious use of cliche.]

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