Danny Resner is a bath salt enthusiast (Archipelago Botanicals Lavender-Bergamot 34 oz. container, natch).
This month, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have used their campaigns’ considerable muscle to target an erratic and largely undecided swing demographic: users of over-the-counter designer drugs known as “bath salts.”
Bath salts, also known as hookah cleaner, incense, and plant food, have come under DEA fire, suffering bans in forty-one states. The ban has become a hot-button issue for the drugs’ large and dedicated user base, which “Wants Answers and Wants Answers Now,” as self-described “plant foodie” Tammy Schiff carved into her arm this Thursday. “I’m just sick of waking up inside a ferret,” she cried as she used her two remaining fingernails to scratch a large sheet of plywood she had nailed across her bedroom door.
Romney heard voters like Schiff loud and clear. He had a one-month head start in courting the key demographic, but his learning curve proved steep. In a campaign speech in rural Florida, he confessed, “I for one love to get back to the hotel after a long day on the trail, sprinkle some bath salts into a piping hot tub, and sink down (fully-clothed, as my personal scruples proscribe nude bathing) into the aromatic haze.” An aide whispered into the candidate’s ear. He appeared confused for a moment but quickly regained composure and added, “Of course, I also love to ingest the substance nasally and orally for recreational purposes.”
Romney’s campaign remains optimistic. “Two weeks ago, Mitt didn’t know the difference between Cotton Cloud and Cloud 9,” Romney campaign bath salts consultant Crimson Ninja Feather said at a recent pancake breakfast in Johnson City, TN. “Now he can sniff a random powder and tell you not only whether it’s Wicked XX or Mojo Diamond, but what kind of high you can expect from it, and which Tri-Cities gas station sells it cheapest. The boy’s done well.”
Obama has also struggled to connect with plant food users at their level. Washington resident Cliff Duddle, who as of press time had still not come down from what he calls his treehouse, voices the concerns of many: “Yes, he’s a competent leader and an educated man, but could you share a packet of Whack with him behind the Citgo?” To address this image problem, Obama has urged his Forward street teams to go door to door banging homeowners’ windows and screaming incoherently. “We need to become a familiar, unhinged, frothing face in America’s parked cars and homes this fall,” declared Obama “bath salty dog” advisor Tom Richford.
Obama interns have also developed false eyelashes and eyebrows for the president. Sources confirm that he will fall into a fit of rage and tear these eyelashes and eyebrows off his own face at some point during an informal town-hall style in Baton Rouge this week. Michelle Obama plans to release a new edition of her cookbook “American Grown” that includes a chapter on cooking with mephedrone. Finally, Obama speechwriters have written several low, rumbling growls into an exploratory speech the president will deliver this weekend at an Ohio veterans’ event.
Both Obama and Romney plan to take full advantage of bath salts users’ staggering number of emergency room visits, over 6,000 in 2011 alone. They will set up Q & A tables near the entrances to select emergency rooms and canvas the equipment often used to restrain raging incense huffers with posters outlining their stances on issues in simple, clear language. “Gay marriage is totally gay,” one Romney poster at St. Luke’s ER in New York City read, alongside a yellow frowny face.
Bath salts leaped to national attention during the face-eating Miami zombie debacle. Now-deceased zombie Rudy Eugene showed many telltale signs of bath salts use when he ate the face of a homeless man. However, autopsy revealed nothing but marijuana in his system. Still, his story has inspired new attack ads funded by a conservative group that calls itself Squad Squelch Squander. One 30-second TV spot crafts a memorable metaphor that could nevertheless boost Obama’s image for voters like Schiff and Duddle: “One moment our glorious country is enjoying a peaceful nap by the side of the interstate. The next moment, Obamacare’s reefer-crazed incisors tear out a chunk of our nose—the only nose we’ll ever have, America. We can’t grow those back. The rest of the world will see us walk around without a nose, without eyes, and think, they voted for that. They did that to themselves.”
Current polls show Obama leading Romney 54%-46% among hookah cleaner guzzlers, but the battle has just begun. “Obamacare is not the answer for country, for our children, and for our JESUS CHRIST get this electricity away from me!” Romney remarked at a recent fundraiser in Michigan. “I’m not even serious, the electricity is seriously chasing me around the stage! I think it just bit me! JESUS Ann Ann get it off get it off!!!”