Friends of my heart, you should all know by now that Amazon Dot Com (I refuse to link to that oily slushpile of an Internet wasteland) is the Devil Incarnate, and that Jeff “Beelzebub” Bezos, its evil founder, will turn you to stone if you stare directly into his cataract-ridden eyes. Why is Amazon so evil? I don’t have the time (read: the economics major) to go into the complicated financial deets of it all. All I know is that they hate publishers. They pulled all of Independent Publisher’s Group’s books off their website because they are dramatic little bids. And my friend works at IPG. YOU BET I TOOK IT PERSONALLY.
Here are some ways you can help me take down Amazon Dot Com with minimal effort on your part.
- Put every single one of their products in your online shopping cart. Leave them there for days upon end and never buy anything. The executive officers will be like “Alright, boys, big sale coming our way! Prepare to creep on girls in bars with the profits!” After a few days, they’ll realize they were tricked. Slowly, the truth will dawn on them: they will never find love, but will die alone in their hollow penthouse suites.
- INDIEBOUND.COM! INDIEBOUND.COM! INDIEBOUND.COM!
- Leave incredibly fascinating, irrelevant product reviews. People will get so enthralled with your tales of Salty the Second-in-Command Sailor that they’ll forget to buy the curling iron they originally clicked on.
- If you get a book deal, tell your publisher that they better not sell your book on Amazon or you won’t publish with them. You’ll probably get ostracized from the publishing world and will never realize your dream of becoming America’s first girl-meets-food memoirist, but at least you stood up for what was right. Here’s a dollar for lunch.
- Throw rocks at your computer screen every time you accidentally visit that website of death.
- Live a completely purchase-free life: become a freegan and a criminal.
- Constantly edit Jeff Bezos’ Wikipedia page. Add unflattering personal details (“…is a pedophile”), evidence of embarrassing taste (“…has Gaga lyrics tattooed in each armpit”), or offensive all-caps sentences credited to Bezos himself (“…MY NAME IS JEFFREY “WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST” BEZOS AND I HATE ENDANGERED SPECIES!”)
- Sing really loudly in your cubicle. Perhaps your coworkers will be too annoyed at your antics to complete their Amazon order.
- Do you really need that electronic toothbrush and/or poster of Steven Tyler?