Here’s the thing about divorce: it’s not just for spouses anymore.
Yes, my friends, you can divorce anyone these days. Your boss. Your coworkers. Your dogwalker. Your college professor. The tenuous threads that bind humanity together are growing ever weaker, ever more translucent. One day they will all be snipped. But until then, it’s up to us to do the snipping. Surely you follow me.
Take me, for example. I recently divorced one of my brothers for several weeks. Of course, he never realized we were divorced but that’s because he never calls me, which is why I divorced him in the first place. Lack of communication: it’s not just for marriages anymore. Then one day he showed up at my doorstep, bedraggled and starving, begging me to buy him a train ticket. So I undivorced him. Because I have a soul. A soul called Kindness. Or maybe it’s called Shared DNA. What’s the difference? Now there’s a deep thought.
As many of you know, I’ve been divorced from multiple baristas at my ex-favorite coffee shop for months. They couldn’t understand why I always bought the extremely cheap drinks and stayed there for hours. If you can’t understand my art, if you can’t support my career as a fiction writer (yeah I said “career” non-ironically), then there’s no place for you in my life. Am I right, ladies? Steam all the milk you want, but you’ll never know me.
You can also divorce your friends. If you try to skin me alive and eat my heart while making me listen to the story of how you and your boyfriend broke up for the millionth time, wellll…I might not want to be friends with you. There’s “being there for people” and there’s “psycho killer, que’est-ce que c’est?” if you catch my drift.
I’m pretty sure last night my boyfriend divorced the Gilmore Girls. It was pretty sad. Thankfully I was there to lend him a shoulder to cry on.
Divorce is a good way to teach people lessons. They’re all, “I want you to do this meaningless task in exchange for money!” and you’re all, “I’m worth more than this, bitchezzz,” and the next thing they know there’s a beautifully-wrapped package on their doorstep. And they get really excited, but inside? DIVORCE PAPERS. Because you were sneaky and wrapped the divorce papers in peach-colored tissue paper and tied them up with raffia. That’ll learn’ em.
One of the many great things about divorce papers is that you can hide other useful things between the pages, like restraining orders and documents that say “I hereby swear to publish this novel” and your divorcee will probably sign them without realizing it. Who just achieved their American dream? You did. You.