The day after Saint Patrick’s day is hard for all of us. The river is no longer green. It is blue, like our tears. How are we to survive the next 364 days until all our annoying neighbors meet again, clad in green wigs, swilling Guinness, and kissing each other for the sheer nationality of it all while we sit on the floor of our dark apartment, watching the flies swarm closer and closer our computer screen?
Here are some suggestions for dulling the pain until the next time everyone in the world but us is busy wearing shiny green “Irish” beads made by tiny children in Indonesia.
- Learn to love mushy minted peas.
- Every time you eat a potato, reference the Great Famine. Sample joke: “These fries will go straight to my…grave.”
- Shove lots of vowels together, randomly capitalize some of them mid-word, and add a ton of accent marks.
- Paint some freckles on your nose. Better yet, burn yourself some permanent freckles with a match. To be Irish is to weep with pain.
- Walk through the mist, keening.
- Become a Druid: the original creepy priest.
- Say “Kiss me, I’m [blank],” CONSTANTLY. Fill in the blank with literally anything. Are you hungry? Happy? Do you have hair? Fingernails? SKIN? Just be in the moment.
- Quote James Joyce whenever you can. Don’t have a James Joyce quote memorized? Neither do I. Just kidding, I have TWO memorized:
- Stately, plump Buck Mulligan something something Lord’s Prayer shaving cream.
- Snow and some metaphor about lost love or nationality softly falling and falling softly all over Ireland.
- Invest in a quality pair of plastic Shamrock earrings.