When you hear the doorbell ring, clamp a clothespin on your nose. A safety pin will do in a pinch.
Crack open the door. Peer out with eyes like smoldering embers.
Say, in a hollow voice, “Take off your shoes.”When your boyfriend stands outside your door in his socks, reach out with a long, spindly device, and pull the socks off of his feet. Suitable devices: rake, back-scratcher, those things that old people use to take down canned food from high shelves.
Place both socks in a paper bag.
Beckon him inside. As he comes through the door, shoot past him like a blur of mist, shouting these infamous words from Dwight Schrute: “PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SPIRITS THAT HAUNT THESE HALLOWED GROUNDS!”
You are now outside. Set down the paper bag and pull out your flamethrower.
Incinerate the bag.
Scrape the ashes into another paper bag.
Head to your nearest crematorium. Beg for an urn.
Place the ashes of the socks inside the urn.
Using my new iPhone app, FuneraLocator, find the nearest funeral. Grab a mimosa and mingle with the guests to avoid suspicion.
Ask the guests to do a round of shots with you.
Ask the guests to relive their most painful memories of the beloved deceased.
Once everyone’s eyesight has been clouded with alcohol and tears, swap the urns.
If there is a coffin instead of an urn, attempt to locate a getaway vehicle before stealing the coffin. Perhaps nice Uncle Alvin would drive you? He kept you in that comforting hug for like, an entire minute.
Walk away casually, murmuring, “Running out to get more flowers/vodka.”
Dispose of the second urn as respectfully as you can. Appropriate hiding places: the sea. A mountaintop. A trickling brook. Inappropriate hiding places: a trash can. Inside a bird’s nest. Back on the shelf with the other urns.
Return to your apartment.
Now you can hang out with your boyfriend without passing out.