If you’re friends with me on Facebook (and you’re probably not, because I have so many privacy settings set up that I still don’t understand how everyone’s mom manages to find me), you may notice that I’m always quoting my dear and hysterical friend, Ms. Meriwether Darcy-Fassbender. While I feel privileged to share Ms. Darcy-Fassbender’s genius with the offspring of Mark Zuckerberg’s lonely brain, the honor is very one-sided. MERIWETHER DARCY-FASSBENDER NEVER QUOTES ME. This may lead to the misconception that SHE is the hilarious one, when in fact we are BOTH the hilarious ones. I have husbands, too. I creep. I rage. I gossip. I type in all-caps. But no one gives me any recognition for it. I slave away at the business of sending my friends hilarious emails and texts, and how many times am I quoted on Facebook? Once a year, if I’m lucky.
The injustice stops here. This is a non-definitive list of all the hilarious texts and emails I’ve sent to Meriwether Darcy-Fassbender. Unfortunately, my phone forces me to regularly delete my texts, and believe me: when that sad day comes, I, too, cringe at the sight of all my genius disappearing into the ether.—
I CAN’T THINK BC OF THE VOMIT
DID YOU HEAR MY SCREAM OF HORROR FROM ACROSS THE CITY?!
CARRIE [Bradshaw] IS SO AWK IN PARIS. when she falls in Dior…THE PAIN!!!
I just thought of the best idea. We get subsidized by our relatives NOT to work! grandparents give us $100/month, etc.
Me: I AM HARRY
Meri: WHICH MAKES ME VOLDEMORT
SMASH IT! WE MUST RELEASE OURSELVES FROM ALL SHACKLES. [I was talking about her iPhone.]
IT WAS COLD AND LIFELESS…AND SQUISHY. SQUISHY WITH ROT.
YOU MAY NOTICE MY TEETH ARE SMALLER.
i am seriously considering death by gin.
Yes to anti-gun coalition, YES TO MASS DIVORCE.
It is true: 99% of our correspondence is screaming about the apocalypse in all-caps.
If you’d like to receive regular all-caps text messages about gin, heinous fashion, or the plight of the homeless, subscribe to my automatic text messaging service NOW! Previously free, now $50/month.