Income-Based Hot Buttered Rum

Due to the overwhelming–OVERWHELMING–response to my last post, where I mentioned making hot buttered rum cocktails while dangling my perfect toes in the Pacific ocean, I decided to share my recipe here. But then I thought of how poor many of my friends are. How the cockroaches skitter over their ivory-and-blue toes at night. (I just read Slaughterhouse-5.) And I realized something in the core of my pulsing heart. My heart full of blood and aortas. My heart like a squishy busy anthill. Sometimes I feel that if I think too hard about my insides I will accidentally die because I will freak out so hard and somehow send signals to my brain to stop living. I realized this: I must give you not one recipe, but six. 

Merely find your income level, mixologize, and enjoy! I recommend drinking this silky-smooth cocktail while watching old Christmas trees being dragged to the curb like so many kidnapped children.

Hot Buttered Rum: $60,000+/year 

Mix one stick of softened butter with two cups of sugar, one teaspoon cinnamon, one-half teaspoon nutmeg, a pinch of cloves, and a pinch of salt. Drop two tablespoons of this mixture into a mug. Add a shot of rum, and fill mug to the brim with boiling water. Drink while running your bare toes through the pelt of a rare white alive Royal Bengal tiger. 

Hot Buttered Rum: $30,000–$59,999/year

Mix one stick of softened butter with two cups of sugar and whatever spices you have in your cabinet, or a handful of melted cinnamon candies. Drop two tablespoons of mixture into a mug, and add a shot of rum, whiskey, or brandy. Or vodka. Warm up some water in the microwave and slosh it in.

Hot Buttered Rum: $20,000–$29,999/year

Mix one stick of softened butter with a) stale sprinkles, b) leftover frosting, or c) a Hershey’s bar. Add some black pepper for “spice.” The idea here is to approximate the sweet/spicy aroma that more successful people achieve through the use of rare imported goods like Myristica fragrans and cassia vera. Is that a beer in the corner of the fridge? That’ll work.

Hot Buttered Rum: $10,000–$19,999/year

Do a shot of rum. Chase with a shot of olive oil.

Hot Buttered Rum: Under $10,000

Ask your homeless friends if anyone has any olive oil. Steal their rum when they’re asleep–the sound of your movements will be disguised by the whirring of the subway grate. If the “rum” is actually “mouthwash,” abandon all culinary pursuits and get some sleep. 

Hot Buttered Rum: broke

Go to your friend Tori’s house and drink her rum. DON’T BOTHER SAYING THANK YOU. SHE WILL ALSO COOK YOU A STEAK DINNER EVEN THOUGH SHE’S A VEGETARIAN. SHE DOESN’T MIND.

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2 Comments

  1. why are you and i so brilliant (your writing is truly brilliant!) and not yet rich and incredibly famous? feeling morose tonight. i am writing like e.e. cummings. i think i will stick my head inside a giant bust of rum-soaked butter shaped like the head of johnny depp and drown my sorrows thusly! oh, happy new year!

    Reply

  2. I definitely mixed earth balance and a melted chunk of white-pimpled ghirardelli bar from 2010 into a mug of kahlua… maybe a week ago. AND THIS TOTS FITS INTO MY INCOME BRACKET you domestic goddess/financial advisor to the bohemian!-R

    Reply

You are truly great.

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