Meriwether Clarke possesses a stream of husbands longer than the Nile and a laugh as maniacal as Mrs. Rochester’s. When she’s not luring men into her den of iniquity by playing the Goldberg variations on her electric keyboard, she’s busy buying things for her favorite sister-wife and keeping up a passionate correspondence with her internet lover, Huevos Rancheros. When asked for a comment, she replied, “My favorite activities are crushing ice with my bare feet, looking at trees, taking down people I hate, and arguing with Zalman.”
When in sticky situations, I’ve started asking myself, “What would a fascist do?”
Fascism gets a pretty bad rap, thanks to losers like Hitler and Mussolini. What most don’t know is that the vast amount of writers in the English literary canon were also secret fascists. Why? Because they envisioned a world where people got what they deserved. Imagine if Donald Trump existed in Jane Austen’s fictional world. He would NOT have been given his own TV show. He WOULD have been laughed out of Pemberley and forced to work as a wigmaker in the Liverpoolian slums.
The general tenets of my ideal fascist society include the following:
1. If you are selfish, it is against the law for people to be nice to you.
2. It is illegal for anyone to reach their thirtieth birthday without reading the complete works of Virginia Woolf and Jane Austen.
3. As a result of this social conditioning, people will want to dress well, will always have interesting conversations, will give money to people who need it, and will be nice to their children.
4. As a result, prisons will not be filled with murderers, but instead with people who don’t like to read and enjoy doing things like, if I may borrow a phrase from Tori’s latest blog post, “Thirsty Thursdays.”
5. Prisons will not include mandatory physical labor, but instead will re-educate inmates through an intense, humanities-heavy courseload taught by leading academics.
Seriously though, IT IS TIME FOR THE HUMAN RACE to be held accountable. I get that none of this really makes sense in a realistic way, but whatever, I’m still working out the kinks.
Since I’m in the mood to talk about myself, let’s think of a few examples of how my life would improve if fascism were the order of the day:
1. I would NEVER have to use Herbal Essences again. It would be perfectly appropriate to go into CVS grab all the Biolage on their shelves and say, “This is mine! I will blaspheme you in my fascist newspaper and saber you to death if you do not consent.” There would be none of this BS with the police. Why? Because the police would simply be part of my giant fascist army. Okay, this one is a stretch. If I really were a fascist dictator, I would never have to shop in CVS again.
2. At work, when people are rude to me, I could just refuse to speak to them. If they appear disgruntled, I could have one of my minions explain to them that in fascist utopia, when you are rude to people, they are rude to you.
3. It would be perfectly acceptable to approach someone on the street and say, “I saw you be mean to your child, I am reporting you to the police.” Then they would promptly be arrested, quizzed on Foucault and be placed in the according prison re-education level.
I’m working on my real manifesto, so be prepared to join the world’s least popular new political movement very very soon.