I’m working on this long story and last night, I let Charlie read it. He is my very first reader and I was weirdly nervous and I may have curled up on my love seat with a massive intimidating book and uhhh a screwtop bottle of wine as I tried to ignore the sound of pages shuffling in the corner. Afterward, I said, “Am I as genius as David Foster Wallace?” and Charlie said no.
Then, Charlie proceeded to pace around my apartment and out of nowhere, in between mouthfuls of cookie dough, he began to spew the most genius guide to writing I’ve ever heard. Here it is, transcribed–and unedited–in all its glory:
CHARLIE’S TEN-STEP GUIDE TO FABULOUS WRITING
- Make that shit better.
- Improve that shit.
- Make the writing better.
- Make that shit more interesting.
- Consider using a different font.
- Use some bigger words. You sound stupid when you use all those fucking small words.
- Choose some more fucking realistic names. I don’t know any motherfuckers named “Rye.”
- Delete all the boring shit.
- Have some better story plots.
- Make that shit exciting!