On Spiders

I think it’s time to talk about spiders.

Why are spiders so terrifying? I have no answer. But if I had a dime for every time I almost walked through a gigantic spiderweb inhabited by a huge, lurking, ravenous spider, I would have at least a dollar.

Here are some terrifying facts about spiders:

1. Somehow, spiders have the ability to construct webs–across sidewalks. This means that romantic moonlit strolls with your lover will often be interrupted by screams of horror and sudden, spine-shattering ducking motions. Ladies, there’s nothing like a sporadic duck-and-scream to really emphasize your curves. It’s kind of the new bend-and-snap.

2. Sometimes, your smoke alarm goes off, and while you frantically wave a dish towel at the screaming siren, you will disturb a spider from its rest.

3. There is something so hideously pregnant about fat spiders. As anyone who’s taken Biology 101 AKA Charlotte’s Web knows, the insides of spiders are fairly bursting with silk and mini spiders. Their bodies are so horribly bulbous, and yet their legs are so spindly.

4. As anyone who’s ever read Lord of the Rings AKA been homeschooled knows, in certain parts of the world there are evil female spiders who live in caves and are more than happy to eat you.

5. When I was a child, my siblings and I loved playing this game outside where my dad would hide in the darkness and do his best to scar us for life by leaping out of crevices, bushes, trees, trash cans, etc. Unfortunately, his scare tactics paled in comparison to the night when I ran through a giant spiderweb.

6. Why is that spiderweb moving? Oh, maybe because there’s a half-paralyzed bug stuck in the middle, thrashing in agony as the bulbous hunter sits and watches and waits for it to die.

7. Whoever started the rumor that you eat eight spiders a year in your sleep deserves to be force-fed nine plump, juicy spiders, preferably the ones with the red hourglass on their back. If you tell me that it’s not a rumor, I’ll say, “Hey girlfriend, what’s your address?” and a week later you’ll get a pie in the mail. THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING RIGHT NOW.

8. Did you know daddy longlegs are harmless? Except they’re not. Their poison is strong enough to kill a man, but their pincers are so weak that they can’t puncture your skin. The only place thin enough for them to puncture is your lip. Oh, remember that time I was relaxing in North Carolina with my bestie and A DADDY LONGLEGS CRAWLED ON MY FACE? (Note: I don’t know if any of the science in this “fact” is true, but I really don’t want to look it up and come face-to-face with a stock image of a spider. That’s why I’ve given you an image of a puppy.)

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2 thoughts on “On Spiders”

  1. There was a spider at summer camp (hiding in the eaves of the main house) so fat and dreadful that we called her Shelob. The campers would stand under her saying "Shelob, Shelob." Personally, I was afraid to speak for fear she would drop into my open mouth!

You are truly great.

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