If I had a dollar for every time someone freestyled a rap about how beautiful I am, I would have $1.
Now, if that one dollar came from a man named TUPAC, then all would be well and good, but unfortunately that dolla-rap came from a creeper of terror who was missing a significant portion of his face.
A few months ago, my boyfriend left town for two weeks. My pheromones must have been giving away my temporary singleishness, because lemme tell you babe, the men flocked around me like never before. Unfortunately, there were no dead rappers or Hugh Jackmans in the mix–just a savory compilation of the homeless, the very old, and the physically deformed. It wasn’t an ego boost. It was a roller-coaster of terror.
During these two weeks, I had a wedding to attend. I also had a tube of brand-new Dior lipstick. Let’s just say I was looking really good in my long white dress and veil–what? The invitation said Black Tie! Anyway, the day got off to a wonderful start–I almost missed my train, I screamed at my absentee boyfriend on the phone, and then I got a free iced soy chai due to my tremulous, fragile beauty aka panicked shrieks of I’m-so-late-for-this-wedding. The wedding was lovely (hi David and Emily!) and as I sat in the train station, waiting to return to the city, I was aglow with happiness and well-wishes. And I thought to myself: I totally want to buy a tabloid for the ride home. So I walked up to the only other person in the station and chirped, “Hey, is there a gas station or something around here?”
He began to turn around, and the moment I saw his smile I knew I had made a huge mistake. Ladies, you know exactly the type of smile I’m talking about–the OMG, a girl is talking to me, yessss smile.
And then he turned all the way around.
And he only had one eye.
The space where his eye should have been was a twisted mass of hardened flesh but what was I supposed to do? You can’t run away from someone just because they’re missing an eye! He told me that there was a Jewel down the road. I said thanks, and started to walk away. He offered to ride his bike there and buy me a tabloid. I almost died but declined his generous offer. He offered to walk with me. I said, “You know what? My train is almost here…I think I’ll just stay.”
So I walked over to a bench and sat down, and like any normal guy would do, he FOLLOWED ME. He then proceeded to tell me about his burgeoning career as a musician. He creates beats. Did I want to hear one? He pulled out his phone and started playing some sort of insipid fake-boom box thing as I smiled tightly. And then he started rapping along while gazing deep into my eyes as I tried not to laugh/scream/stare at his missing eye. He sung the lyrics that were in his heart, lyrics that have been burned into my memory forever, lyrics that were vaguely reminiscent of a serial killer-type obsession: You’re so beautiful. What I gotta do to get with you.
Then he told me that despite being 30-something, he lived with his parents, but he was thinking of going back to community college. I encouraged him to do so, because I’m a huge fan of higher education. Unfortunately, I think he viewed my platonic career advice more along the lines of a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife because he started talking about buying a two-bedroom. I was like, Um why would you need a second bedroom NO DON’T TELL ME. Then he asked for my number and I told him I had a boyfriend and he said, “But you’re allowed to have friends, right?” And I said, “Well, I don’t think my boyfriend would want me giving out my number to another guy, you know?” And he chuckled and said, “Yeah, cuz then I’d call you and he’d be like “Who’s that?” and you’d be like, “This guy I met on the train.”” And I said, “…yeah.” And then he told me I reminded him of his ex-girlfriend.
And as I got onto the train, shivering violently with repressed hysterics, he gazed deep into my two eyes with his one eye and said, “Studio vs. two-bedroom.”
I just smiled and looked away because I had no idea what he was talking about, but in retrospect, I think he was asking me to move in with him.