How to Measure Out Your Life With Coffee Spoons

There comes a time in an individual’s life when, wallowing in the existential muck, he or she is forced to take a step back and ask in mournful tones: How many coffee spoons would it take to measure out my life?

Thankfully, I’ve written a handy guide to measuring out your life with coffee spoons, no disturbing the universe or scuttling across the floor of silent seas required! Simply print out the eight easy instructions below, fill in the blanks, and add the spoons up.

1. Good morning, gorgeous! Instead of an alarm clock, rig up a device that drops coffee spoons on your head at the crack of dawn. How many coffee spoons must clang on your forehead before you are fully awake?
NUMBER OF SPOONS: __

2. Late night? De-puff your eyes by gently pressing a cold coffee spoon against each eyelid. Leave until the coldness dissipates.
NUMBER OF SPOONS: 2

3. Stir cream and sugar into your morning coffee. This should require only one coffee spoon. What are you, pretentious or something?
NUMBER OF SPOONS: 1

4. Go about your daily business to the uplifting melody of a coffee spoon chime. Attach 2-8 coffee spoons to a clothes hanger using strong household twine. Hang your chime in front of a window where it will catch the breeze. The more spoons you add, the louder the sound will be. (Please note: more than 20 spoons may drive you to insanity). Vary the length and breadth of your spoons for delightful tonal contrast.
NUMBER OF SPOONS: __

5. Remember to stay hydrated by drinking 8 glasses (384 teaspoons) of water a day. Hold each spoon steadily beneath a slow trickle of water until spoon is full. Lower your lips to the spoon to avoid spillage.
NUMBER OF SPOONS: 384

6. Into each life some rain must fall. Be sure to reinforce your drugstore umbrella by binding your sturdiest coffee spoons along each spoke. If rain boots are currently out of your budget range, elevate your shoes and avoid puddles by strapping coffee spoons width-wise along the sole.
NUMBER OF SPOONS USED DURING A THUNDERSTORM: __

7. In case of emergency, insert coffee spoons between your fingers and use as makeshift wolverine claws. Should you lack the 8 coffee spoons necessary to ward off attackers because you used too many on your homemade wind chime (YOU WERE WARNED ABOUT THAT), one or two spoons should be sufficient to redirect the sun’s blazing rays into the eyes of your opponent, buying you enough time to sprint away. (Please note: the latter technique is only doable with well-shined coffee spoons. Make sure to stock up on Weiman Royal Sterling Silver Polish!)
NUMBER OF SELF-DEFENSE SPOONS: __

8. It’s been a long day. Before falling into bed like a patient etherised upon a table, treat yourself to a nice dinner out. Bring a strong canvas tote to carry enough sterling silver coffee spoons to pay for your meal, and a few more to bludgeon the waiter if he protests your form of payment.
NUMBER OF SPOONS: __

TOTAL: ___

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