The Commuter’s Workout

I adore clip art. You know this was used for a presentation on Pumping Up Your Resume or How to Sprint Ahead of the Competition.

It’s bikini season! Since the nearest large body of water is infested with dead bodies and invasive species of (MAN-EATING?!) fish – and since I don’t know a single person with a pool – I don’t spend much time in a bikini, but perhaps your life is not as gutted and sunless as mine. If that’s the case, you’ll be happy to hear that I’ve compiled a quick and easy guide to rocking your best summer bod ever. No fancy gyms or Shake Weight required! The Commuter’s Workout requires nothing but the structures of the vibrant, pulsing metropolis around you.

Warm-Up

HOLD THAT TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Core Training

The man next to you is picking his nose. No, no, no, no, no, no, no – don’t put it THERE! Contract every muscle in your body and remain as small as possible to avoid touching the offending object for the duration of your commute.

Flexibility Training

The rush-hour hordes are particularly sweaty today. Loosen those hamstrings by ducking beneath the odorous underarm of a steaming tourist. Stretch sideways, engaging your adductor magnus, to avoid that harried businessman with the large, dark stains around each nipple. Stretch just to the point of discomfort. The feeling of tightness should diminish as you hold the stretch.

Cardio

OH NO. Is it? – it is! – a Save the Whales guy with a clipboard! Dash into the nearest alleyway and take a 6-block detour to avoid the slightest contact, including but not limited to eye contact, hand contact, inappropriate jokes, desperate jokes, and being forced to see the depressing way his smile falters as yet another harried American bludgeons him out of the way.

Cool-Down

That homeless person looks sad. Whatever, he’s totally faking it. But his cardboard sign says he has a baby daughter starving to death at home—and is it written in blood? No, he’s probably just a drug addict. Are you racial profiling? Keeping your White Guilt engaged, amble by at a pace that suggests “I’m sympathetic to your plight. Look, I don’t have anywhere important to go either,” while shaking your head slowly (loosening up your sternocleidomastoids) to indicate that you have no change.

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