Traumatizing Moments From My Present, Volume Five: Death by Triscuit

 Last night, I faced Death. Greater men than me have gazed into her dead-white eyes and cowered, but I was not afraid. I sat on the beach under the glimmering moon and held my gasping mortality in my hands, which were coated with the dusky seasonings of Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil Triscuits.

Though the waves crashed upon the shore, disturbing the screaming gulls, my mind was elsewhere that night–turning over the same three thoughts, again and again:

1. Triscuits and cheese are so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o good.
2. My stomach is stretched to capacity and if I continue eating them at this rate I will literally eat myself to death.

And I was terrified–terrified at the metal of my own psyche, at my willingness to die for the causes I believed in. Thankfully I was distracted by a screaming girl who ran past me and threw a half-eaten apple into the lake. Then a mosquito got in my mouth so the rest of my night consisted of spitting violently.



  1. The worst part is, they're supposedly healthy…hence my allowing myself to buy them when I started my diet last week. But nothing is healthy in the quantities that one wants to eat Triscuit! (Except maybe watercress. But unless you're a swan, you don't want to eat that much watercress anyway.)As for my now-mostly-Triscuit diet, I am no thinner, but man, do those taste good!


  2. Madeline, I am HORRIFIED to learn that you, too, have succumbed to the madness that is the Nabisco Corporation. IF YOU CAN'T RESIST THEM, WHO CAN?


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