Pear? Apple? Hourglass? Chinchilla? Knowing your body type comes in handy while shopping for jeans, scouting out potential mates, or plotting your Kim Kardashian impersonation career. But a quick scour of the World Wide Web using the search terms “antiestablishmentarianism body shape” reveals a shocking dearth of information, a fact I find, quite frankly, rather tragic. After all, nobody would expect a Sporty-shaped gal to squeeze herself into a pair of Petite-friendly jeggings, so why do we require that ladies of all shapes and sizes trudge along to the same old anarchic, Ginsberg-fueled beat?
Thankfully, I exist. And I’m here to fix this travesty. My handy guide will help YOU determine how best to strive for the ruination of the Establishment and everything it stands for while rocking the curves your mama gave you. WORK IT, GURL! But not for a soul-sucking megacorp, please.
Finding Your Shape: According to my online Bible, bodyshapefashionadvice.com, APPLE ladies have fabulous legs and/or boobs so dressing is all about showing off those best bits and avoiding adding volume round your middle.
Fighting the Good Fight: APPLE ladies should focus on bringing down the Man by bonding with the lower classes as much possible. While big businesses sacrifice human interaction for the sake of a paycheck, the APPLE is using her fabulous legs and bust to lure the overworked and underpaid out of their shells. Meanwhile, her stylistically-appropriate, flowy-around-the-middle dresses provide the perfect cover-up for the supplies necessary to fuel a revolution. Can I get an A-R-M-Y O-F T-H-E F-O-R-M-E-R-L-Y R-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D? I knew I could.
Finding Your Shape: The PEAR beauty should balance out your curvy bottom half with bold bright tops or tops with large collars, lapels or sleeves.
Fighting the Good Fight: The curvaceous PEAR must master the art of subtly breaking large panels of glass with a quick whisk of her legendary hips. As she struts past each soulless syndicate, swaying to the beat of her shoplifted iPod, she can’t resist the spirit of the dance that begins to overwhelm her…she spins, she sashays…oops! Did she just shatter that expensive Goldman Sachs revolving door with an innocent little pop ‘n’ lock? The PEAR must always have a mustachioed motorcycle man on hand to spirit her away if things get too legal.
Finding Your Shape: If your first reaction is “WTF, Strawberry?” then I’d advise a quick attitude change, Miss! Cynicism won’t get you anywhere when it comes to subverting from within. Don’t forget, sassy strawberry-shaped ladies have a figure that’s bigger up top than on their bottom half because of broad shoulders and/or big boobs in relation to their waist and hips.
Fighting the Good Fight: “Broad shoulders”? Sounds like the sweet, sweet cacophony of blue-collar labor overtaking the callous upper class!
Finding Your Shape: Not to be confused with a teenage boy, the gamine RECTANGLE is fairly straight up and down though she doesn’t always have the boyish chest to match.
Tall and slim, the RECTANGLE should not despair over her lack of ropey biceps and abs of steel. Though she may never tear down buildings with her pinkie finger or burn oil fields with naught but her fiery gaze, the RECTANGLE may still serve many purposes in the endless struggle against The Man, including, but not limited to, the following:
Narrow head: use as a pole by simply fastening a subversive poster to the forehead.
Thin legs: use to pick the locks of City Hall.
Jutting ribcage: using a pair of soft hammers, pick out a battle-tune, treating each rib as a different note.