|Beautiful, successful, GOTHIC.|
It has been brought to my attention that the world is crawling with people who are more wealthy, beautiful, and successful than I. This is why you’ve experienced such a dearth of hilarious content on my
free government-funded made-possible-through-the-generosity-of-the-Macarthur Foundation website, Tori Dot Gov. WHY SHOULD I WRITE ANYTHING WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS MORE GENIUS?
In an effort to pull my drooping spirits up by their bootstraps, I have compiled a list of titles for all my future novels (if I ever get over my contagious disease called Why Would I Ever Want to Write a Novel When There’s Shopping and Facebook). Unfortunately, Joyce Carol Oates, the freakishly prolific creepürkind of the past 72 years, will probably snatch up a number of these titles before my
lack of talent hellishly busy schedule allows me to write them…
Old People and Ghosts
Dying: A Novel
Death: A Novel About Dying
Horror: A Novel
What is Happening to Me, Where Has My Life Gone?
It Will All Be O.K.: Seven Stories Full of Lies
Hot Girl and Tragic Downfall
Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth: A Love Story
Why Are You Following Me, Where Did You Come From?
Sexual Heeling: How Marvin Gaye Inspired Me To Become a Cobbler