Special Slogans

As David Foster Wallace once said (I can’t find the quote, so I’m paraphrasing), Who are these people who think sloganed t-shirts are funny? These people who wear shirts that say “FBI: Female Body Inspector” or “This Ain’t a Beer Belly – It’s a Fuel Tank for a Sex Machine”? Since we’re being offensive here, nothing says white trash like a good ol’ sloganed t-shirt referencing beer, sex, or date rape (or slavery! no joke). In a desperate effort to fight against the deterioration of our culture via t-shirt hawkers like noisebot.com, I’m thinking of using my OWN slogans to start a t-shirt business. I’d really love your feedback regarding marketability, mass appeal, etc. Some of these are intellectual, some are adorable, but ALL of them are positive and sparkling with joie de vivre. 

Accessorize With a Great Book!

Smile: You’re On LIFE.

I Sartre Like You

I Nietzsche Use the Restroom, Excuse Me for One Moment

Rushdie Pizza Delivery, I’m Starving!

Love Like Your Foot Has Never Been Stepped on While Wearing Flip-Flops on Public Transportation

Dance Like Your Dad is Watching

Sing Like You’re Trying To Drown Out the Brawling Homeless Men Beneath Your Window

Laugh Inappropriately (It’s a Sign of Schizophrenia!)

Girls’ Night Out: Behind My Charming Smiles Lies a Viper of Judgment

Date Night: Can You Pay Again? This is the Last Time, I Swear

I Found My True Love on Google Image Search

I Dragged Your Facebook Profile Picture to My Desktop

Dad’s in Jail: Let’s Party!

Just Planning My Wedding to My Ex-Boyfriend During My Lunch Break

Is This Email – “hi friend it is not hard to lengthen” – Spam or Does Someone Named Helen Care About Me?

Closed-Mouth Smiles: Opiate of the Creepers

Did He Just Look at Me or at the Girl Behind Me? I’m Stressed.


Welcome to my pet project. I’m developing a special line of t-shirts catered toward the flawless taste of all my Chicago gurlz, especially ones who shun Rapelyville and the Gold Coast of Lameness for hipper clubs filled with harmless (?!?!?) gay (?!?!?!?!?!?) men (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!).

Please Don’t Touch Me, Howard

Somebody Who Loves Me Molested Me at Atmosphere in Andersonville (It Was
Howard the Male Dancer)

This Time I Mean It, Howard!

Howard, Please Put On Some Pants

Howard, You Have a Seven Year Old Daughter? Ew!

Charlie, Can You Pick Me Up at the Corner of Clark and Balmoral?


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