I’ve been getting a lot of comments, emails, and even a few phone calls lately from people who would like to be my child. Now, as an opinionated and probably somewhat obnoxious girl of 16 or 17, I spent a large portion of my time declaring to the world that I would NEVER have children. (The rest of my time was occupied with researching Nero, my favorite Roman emperor, and preparing original monologues for play tryouts where I awkwardly insulted Oprah because I didn’t realize high schoolers actually LIKE Oprah.)
I still find the concept of children mildly claustrophobic, but now and then I see an adorable little chubster with his hip mom at Intelligentsia, and I think to myself, “YOU ARE SUCH A POSER, HIP MOM!” and then I think to myself “That child better not spill his doppio macchiato on my new Louboutins—dammnit!” and then I think to myself “Aw, his morbidly obese cheeks are pretty cute,” and then I think to myself, “What would be so terrible about having a little kid running around to bake me cookies, foam milk for my cappuccinos, and tell me “Mommy, you look beautiful!” every time I ring a bell?”
But I am a woman of high standards, and I will not accept just any child. I need a truly exceptional child with a great work ethic, a charmingly rakish grin, and a finely-honed sense of personal style. If you’d like to apply to be my child, please read the guidelines below before submitting your application.
Can your cheeks accurately be described as “chubby,” “rosy,” “voluptuous,” or “squeezable”?
Can you bake the ideal chocolate chip cookie—thin, chewy, crispy around the edges, buttery, a little salty, and oozing with chocolate chips?
Are your hands small enough to fix the innards of a dying computer BUT strong enough to give great massages?
Can you commit to showing great artistic promise before your 4th birthday?
Do you solemnly swear that your artistic greatness will be in a different field than mine?
Do you have legitimate, personal connections in the world of literary adult publishing?
If an offer of employment is extended, can you commit to bringing the following on your first day of work?
- A pair of Louboutin Dillian Flower Pumps, size 8, your choice of color
- Anything Burberry, must have signature plaid clearly visible for status symbol purposes
- A sachet of lavender potpourri including toenail clippings from Hugh Jackman, Scott Weiland, Adrian Brody, and Josh Ritter
If you answered YES to all of the above questions, please continue on to the WRITING SECTION. If you answered NO to any of the above questions, I’m terribly sorry, but you are not qualified to be my child.
Mommy is having a bad day. Come up with 5 compliments that will make her feel better.
Complete the following paragraph:
The sound of twittering bluebirds outside her window woke Tori from her dreamy slumber. She stretched, yawning _______ly, and opened her ______ eyes. A ________smile played across her ________ face. She tossed on a gown of finest rose-gold silk, which made her look absolutely _________ and ________________ and ___________________________________________. Her little boy/girl pattered into the room carrying a big tray of fresh __________ and said, “_____________________!”
As Plutonious once said, a great mother is one who slaves over her children until her hands are chapped and raw, forever putting the needs of others above herself. Do you agree? Why or why not? Please respond in less than 500 words.
Thank you. Your application is being reviewed by the committee and you can expect a response within 4-5 months. Have a nice day.