Faithful subjects, my apologies for the lack of updates ‘round this here joint. The past few days have been consumed by meetings with my lawyers as we finalize the hiring and firing procedures for my wildly successful literary magazine, the Dot Gov Review. In the interest of full disclosure, I am legally obligated to post them here.
1. The Dot Gov Review is not an equal-opportunity employer. Any of the following will result in failure to hire and/or immediate termination:
- Preference of Pepsi over Coke
- Background in Journalism
- Background in Economics
- Love of cockroaches
- Hatred of Britney Spears and/or Ke$ha
- “Bro-tastic” fashion taste
- Psycho killer
2. The following skill sets are required for employment at the Dot Gov Review:
- Pastry chef
- MEN: Attractive but not too flirtatious OR attractive and gay and very flirtatious OR hot single dad with really cute kid
- WOMEN: Must not have better hair than the Dictator/Editor-in-Chief AND must have extensive shoe closet in size 8 AND must be certified manicurist. BONUS: shoe closet may be kept at the DGR headquarters.
- Mad dance skillz (but not too mad)
- Access to unlimited cash and champagne
- Close friends with Dave Eggers of McSweeney’s (“close friends” hereby refers to “an individual with the diplomatic skill set necessary to convince McSweeney’s to publish the work(s) of the Dictator/Editor-in-Chief)
3. BEFORE HIRING: the candidate (hereafter referred to as the Help) may be required to purchase plane tickets for the Dictator-Editor-in-Chief so that interviews may be conducted at the Help’s house. Residents of CA, FL, Berlin, Paris, Rio de Janeiro, and Mansions only, please!
4. DURING HIRING: the Dot Gov Review accepts no responsibility for bruises, scrapes, internal bleeding, concussions, and short- or long-term memory loss sustained during the Hiring Process. It is of the utmost importance that the Help be capable of crawling in and out of the Temple of Khazad-Dum with the Crystal of Life intact.
5. AFTER HIRING: The Dot Gov Review reserves the right to give the silent treatment to any employee who makes a spelling or grammatical error or any error at all or who likes poetry that’s longer than one page or fiction that’s a thinly-veiled retelling of an author (hereafter referred to as the Fool)’s life story.
The Dot Gov Review is a merciful employer, but our anger—once provoked—may result in a lifelong fear of dark alleyways and trash cans that appear to be hiding an angry Dictator/Editor-in-Chief inside. In the unfortunate event that the Help has performed unsatisfactorily, firing procedures will commence without delay:
1. The Help shall be required to read through ten boxes of slush without sleep.
2. The Help shall be required to thoroughly clean the Editor’s
studio apartment office before leaving.
3. The Help shall be required to leave all perks of the job (complimentary Cartier watches, holiday-bonus Burberry trench, dark chocolate hazelnut truffle bars, status of “literary genius”) at the door.