How to Take Advantage of Your Friends

Only post pictures in which your face is the most prominent.

As a sociopath, you know that friends are merely stepping stones on the path to True Greatness. While they may be fun for the occasional French 75 and good to have along for those moments when you need to consult the Emergency Boyfriend Code because a male stripper is asking for your number, it’s important to take advantage of them at all times. You don’t think Napoleon got where he did by being all chummy and “BESTIES 4 LYF,” do you?

  1. Googling is for losers! Don’t waste time on inane “research,” just post all your questions as Facebook statii, so that your friends can answer them for you. Example: “wuts another work for “implants” guyz? much appreeshed thx!” or “Can anyone tell me the parallels between postcolonial dietary restrictions and the wall hangings of Louis XIV? Essay format answers a plus.”
  2. Health insurance? I DON’T THINK SO! Head over to your friend’s apartment and raid her medicine closet. The louder the party, the less likely people will hear you unscrewing difficult prescription-only medications. After all, you can’t spell “hospitality” without “hospital.”
  3. Speaking of spelling, you can’t spell “friendship” without “ship!” When it comes to archaic forms of transportation, why drop valuable bucks on air fare when you can borrow your BFF’s car to make a quick “grocery run”? Whoops, traffic is really awful, guess you’ll return it tomorrow. Oh no, the snowshovel just like toootally buried your car! I’ll get it to you by Friday. LYLAS!
  4. Everyone has long boring lists of things they absolutely MUST find in a life partner (pretty eyes, no history of spousal abuse, BLAH BLAH BLAH). Why, in this advanced age, don’t we do the same for our friends? Here are some requirements to get you started: a) must be same clothes size as me, b) must be partially blind in at least one eye (good for when you’re trying to sneak their sofa out of their apartment while they’re watching TV).
  5. TALENT IS A WONDERFUL THING! I just love when my friends are certified masseuses, heart surgeons, and nail technicians, don’t you? If they happen to ask for a tip, grab your heart, stagger a bit, and gasp: “But you and I—we’re—we’re PALS!” Other great careers to exploit: undertaker (a must for the criminally-minded), plumber (preferably hot), and landlord.
  6. Us ladies know we’d never let our boyfriends watch us doing certain private rituals of womanhood, like clipping our yellowed, overgrown, festering toenails. That’s what girl friends are for! If you sense your fav gal may be a bit reluctant to come over and pluck the wiry black hairs from your ears, call her sobbing and say something designed to pluck at the core of the female psyche, like “MY BOYFRIEND THINKS I’M UGLY!” Then, while she comforts you, scream that infamous phrase best beloved to females everywhere: “MAKEOVER PARTY?!?!?!?!”
  7. Why get a job when your friends have jobs? As the unemployed member of the your crew, no one with half a heart can expect you to pay for dinner. (And if they do, UNFRIEND IMMEDIATELY.) This is why you should only be friends with doctors and lawyers. Biddies who work in children’s publishing simply do not have the funds to support their own material addictions, let alone yours.
  8. Daddy issues? Who doesn’t? Never fear, your best guy friend (you know, the one who’s always had an awkward thing for you) is totally willing to fill that role. Call him crying in the middle of the night and whisper throatily into the phone, “Can you come over? I just need to be held.” Sit on his lap whenever possible, and feel free to run your hands over his beard. Warning: if he tries to put the moves on you, cut that freak out of your life and defame him on the internet! You’re too fabulous for this Freudian shit!
  9. Nobody likes to be bugged, so only contact your friends when you feel that they truly need you. For example: recently-engaged friends who may be looking for bridesmaids; recently-promoted friends who may be hiring; that actor guy you had a class with in college who is now starring opposite Natalie Portman; that guy you made fun of for working at McDonalds who is now the sous chef at Alinea.
  10. Hey, no need to be an asshole. Always give back to your friends in the form of small and thoughtful gifts. Need some ideas? Empty egg cartons, toilet paper rolls, and mangled bobby pins are great supplies for the crafty ladies in your life! Surprise your fiscally-minded guy friends with a meaningful piece of wall art: tape a penny to an old Trader Joe’s receipt and inscribe on it a financial platitude in your best cursive, like A penny saved is a penny earned. And for those friends who seem to have it all, nothing says “Thanks for being there, old sport!” like a really long hug accompanied by some strange heavy breathing directly into the left ear canal.

SKOL! To friendship!


One Comment

  1. I need more friends..mainly because I wanted to do dreads and who was going to help me back comb and wax all those bits on the back of my head? I watched a video on line and the girl said get 3-5 friends and buy pizza and make it a party cause it will take 5 hours…Since I am old as f@#$%g dirt, my only options are the friend who just had a mastectomy, my hubby, my sons..nope, nope, nope..sigh. I got out my dog clippers and shaved my head. (for real!)


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