Life Updates in Haiku

I take back what I said about hating haiku jokes. They are handy little ways to update all your enemies on what you’ve been up to lately. 17 syllables! Does it get any easier?

Deactivated
my facebook. Fuck that shit. Too
many frenemies and parents.

Last night I wrote one
thousand words in thirty min-
utes. Where’s my book deal.

Lolita made me
love novels again. Short sto-
ries are passe. Oops.

Have anger issues.
Will travel. Love Tupac. Need
money for gin, etc.

That’s my streetwalker
ad, if you were wondering.
Tupac is key = rage.

Literally al-
most killed myself last week with
cookie cake and “cigarettes.”

THAT MEANS HEROIN!
You can buy it at your lo-
cal convenience store.

It says “Ferrero
Rocher” on the packaging.
I need some. Charlie?

Oh wait, Charlie will
never read my blog again.
How will he find it?

How will anyone
find this last bastion of
indominable

Human nature? I’m
off Facebook. That means I’m dead
to the world. OH WELL!

I lied. I still judge
those who write faux-humorous
haikus. Irritants!

How to Take Advantage of Your Friends

Only post pictures in which your face is the most prominent.

As a sociopath, you know that friends are merely stepping stones on the path to True Greatness. While they may be fun for the occasional French 75 and good to have along for those moments when you need to consult the Emergency Boyfriend Code because a male stripper is asking for your number, it’s important to take advantage of them at all times. You don’t think Napoleon got where he did by being all chummy and “BESTIES 4 LYF,” do you?

  1. Googling is for losers! Don’t waste time on inane “research,” just post all your questions as Facebook statii, so that your friends can answer them for you. Example: “wuts another work for “implants” guyz? much appreeshed thx!” or “Can anyone tell me the parallels between postcolonial dietary restrictions and the wall hangings of Louis XIV? Essay format answers a plus.”
  2. Health insurance? I DON’T THINK SO! Head over to your friend’s apartment and raid her medicine closet. The louder the party, the less likely people will hear you unscrewing difficult prescription-only medications. After all, you can’t spell “hospitality” without “hospital.”
  3. Speaking of spelling, you can’t spell “friendship” without “ship!” When it comes to archaic forms of transportation, why drop valuable bucks on air fare when you can borrow your BFF’s car to make a quick “grocery run”? Whoops, traffic is really awful, guess you’ll return it tomorrow. Oh no, the snowshovel just like toootally buried your car! I’ll get it to you by Friday. LYLAS!
  4. Everyone has long boring lists of things they absolutely MUST find in a life partner (pretty eyes, no history of spousal abuse, BLAH BLAH BLAH). Why, in this advanced age, don’t we do the same for our friends? Here are some requirements to get you started: a) must be same clothes size as me, b) must be partially blind in at least one eye (good for when you’re trying to sneak their sofa out of their apartment while they’re watching TV).
  5. TALENT IS A WONDERFUL THING! I just love when my friends are certified masseuses, heart surgeons, and nail technicians, don’t you? If they happen to ask for a tip, grab your heart, stagger a bit, and gasp: “But you and I—we’re—we’re PALS!” Other great careers to exploit: undertaker (a must for the criminally-minded), plumber (preferably hot), and landlord.
  6. Us ladies know we’d never let our boyfriends watch us doing certain private rituals of womanhood, like clipping our yellowed, overgrown, festering toenails. That’s what girl friends are for! If you sense your fav gal may be a bit reluctant to come over and pluck the wiry black hairs from your ears, call her sobbing and say something designed to pluck at the core of the female psyche, like “MY BOYFRIEND THINKS I’M UGLY!” Then, while she comforts you, scream that infamous phrase best beloved to females everywhere: “MAKEOVER PARTY?!?!?!?!”
  7. Why get a job when your friends have jobs? As the unemployed member of the your crew, no one with half a heart can expect you to pay for dinner. (And if they do, UNFRIEND IMMEDIATELY.) This is why you should only be friends with doctors and lawyers. Biddies who work in children’s publishing simply do not have the funds to support their own material addictions, let alone yours.
  8. Daddy issues? Who doesn’t? Never fear, your best guy friend (you know, the one who’s always had an awkward thing for you) is totally willing to fill that role. Call him crying in the middle of the night and whisper throatily into the phone, “Can you come over? I just need to be held.” Sit on his lap whenever possible, and feel free to run your hands over his beard. Warning: if he tries to put the moves on you, cut that freak out of your life and defame him on the internet! You’re too fabulous for this Freudian shit!
  9. Nobody likes to be bugged, so only contact your friends when you feel that they truly need you. For example: recently-engaged friends who may be looking for bridesmaids; recently-promoted friends who may be hiring; that actor guy you had a class with in college who is now starring opposite Natalie Portman; that guy you made fun of for working at McDonalds who is now the sous chef at Alinea.
  10. Hey, no need to be an asshole. Always give back to your friends in the form of small and thoughtful gifts. Need some ideas? Empty egg cartons, toilet paper rolls, and mangled bobby pins are great supplies for the crafty ladies in your life! Surprise your fiscally-minded guy friends with a meaningful piece of wall art: tape a penny to an old Trader Joe’s receipt and inscribe on it a financial platitude in your best cursive, like A penny saved is a penny earned. And for those friends who seem to have it all, nothing says “Thanks for being there, old sport!” like a really long hug accompanied by some strange heavy breathing directly into the left ear canal.

SKOL! To friendship!

RANTS: On Haiku Humor

You know what really grinds my gears? (c) Family Guy

WHEN PEOPLE MAKE HAIKU JOKES.

I can’t tell you how many people–and let’s be honest, I’m talking about WRITERS here–who think they’re sparkling fairies of wit and jest when they write dumb “humorous” and “intentionally non-poetic” haikus that make me want to frolic in a forest of razorblades, my mouth afroth with childish laughter, aka rabies.

Haikus are SEVENTEEN SYLLABLES!! It’s not that hard to write seventeen syllables about something totally random, squeeze it into a haiku format, and pat yourself on the back for being a hilariously literate person. I can write seventeen syllables in seventeen half-seconds with my eyes closed, one hand tied behind my back, and the other hand engaging in hand-to-hand combat with Zorro! Dancing across a slippery bridge with no guardrails, above the Niagara Falls, AFTER READING THE FALLS BY JOYCE CAROL OATES so I’m extra scared because I know all about what happens to bodies when they fall into Niagara Falls, they become “floaters,” and if you’ve read The Falls or, well, probably any historical literature about Niagara, you know exactly what I mean when I say GROOOOOHOOOHOOOSS!

Look, I’ll write some HIL-AH-RIOUS haikus right now, without even looking up how many syllables are on each line (is it 5-7-5?).

I am walking down
The street. Oh my! I see a
Crazy dinosaur!

Nutella is good.
This is why you’re fat, U.S.!
Wait, it’s from Europe.

Look at this random
Haiku! Aren’t I funny, guys?
I write memoirs, too.

SEE?!

Also, notice how talented I am at poetry? Those 3 haikus literally took me 75 seconds (I timed it. In my head.).