Types of Rejection Letters We Send Out at My Imaginary Literary Magazine

1.

Dear Author,

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

The Editors

2.

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript(s) to the Dot Gov Review. Unfortunately, it does not meet our needs at this time.*

Best,
The Editors

*And it never will.

3.

Dear Author,

You repulse my soul.

Please call 1-800-DR-FREUD before ever picking up a pen again. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR.

The Editors

4.

Dear Tori,

Wow, another straight-from-the-hip piece of literary genius! A tour de force! I know you said the New Yorker was considering this for possible publication in its “SUMMER FICTION: 1 Under 100” issue, but we would do anything–anything–to get our hands on this. Enclosed are some attractive photographs of us and a large tin of homemade rice crispy treats and some kale. WE LOVE YOUR WORK!

Yours always,
The Editors (J. Diaz, S. Dybek, and G. G. Marquez)

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4 Comments

  1. Dear Tori,When reading your work, Master of Desire, all of our nipples got hard. Enclosed is your million dollar check and a lock of hair from all the editors here at The Saloon.Yours,The Biddy Wagon Reunion

    Reply

  2. Dear Prisoner #72,After years of submission to the magazine, your poems have finally convinced us to not only accept them, but further, to notify the appropriate authorities that we're certain you did not in fact murder your own brother.Here is your twelve dollar check for getting into the magazine; let's just say, your first pack of cigs is on us.Love,Your Editors/New Neighbors

    Reply

You are truly great.

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