Here are a few things to keep in mind as you walk down this lonely road we call Life.
1. “Susurrate” is never an appropriate synonym for “whisper.”
2. Rare is the moment in which it is advised to start a sentence with, “So, I was reading Infinite Jest…”
3. Keep your cuticles well-moisturized. This is possibly the greatest and most applicable use for the phrase, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”
4. Natural remedies work. They really do! However, flyers and/or products emblazoned with the face of a white-haired man/woman with a surprisingly young face, known as “Dr. So-and-so” and typically involving the words “miracle” and “cure” should be treated with skepticism.
5. It is near-impossible to find versions of Neruda’s poetry in the original Spanish online, unless you know what the poem is titled in the original Spanish. Googling “ode to a beautiful nude spanish” will get you only English versions where people have left comments like “sigh…LOL romantic…wish i cud read this in spanish…”
6. Sometimes, when you google things involving the word “tender” (i.e. “Tender is the Night”), you get porn.
7. FOR THE WRITERS: Sometimes it’s necessary to insert a peeing child into your story. You will feel like a pedophile. Don’t worry, that doesn’t actually makes you a pedophile (I think).
8. People were more classy when politics, religion, and sex weren’t appropriate topics for
facebook statuses casual conversation.
9. You can spend all day ruminating over and/or criticizing the phenomenon of social media and its effect on today’s culture, you can delete your Facebook to make a point, you can be an unapologetic Facebook skank, OR YOU CAN HAVE A LIFE SO THAT THESE “BIG PRESSING QUESTIONS OF OUR MODERN AGE” DON’T REALLY ENTER YOUR FABULOUS AND WONDERFULLY PREOCCUPIED STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS! (Though to be honest, I’ve always been of the “delete your FB to make a point” school of thought.)
10. Please don’t blur the line between “religion” and “people.” People are not religion. Religion is not the sum of its (flawed, awkward, braces-and-acne, not-great-with-face-to-face-interviews, accidentally-hit-a-pedestrian-with-a-bicycle-once,-giving-them-a-minor-concussion-and-a-permanent-scar-just-above-the-left-eyebrow, generally-well-meaning-but-can-be-hugely-bitchy) parts. Why should you listen to me? Well, do you want to be strangled in the night? Just putting it out there. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy! (I put in the italics because I started daydreaming about myself on the stage, declaiming that line with impassioned conviction.)
11. Making fun of Hamlet is so old! He’s the whiny prince of Denmark, eh? Shut yo face, Shakespeare has yet to be rivalled and about half the idioms you use on a daily basis come directly from the genius pen of Mr. William S. and have you ever seen a play before? Theater isn’t exactly known for its convincing plot-lines, that’s just not the point! Also, HIS FATHER WAS KILLED. HE CAN SULK. This also applies to people who are like, “Ew, Romeo and Juliet are such emo teenagers! Like, stop crying about your boooyfriend! TOTES deserved to die!” 2011: The Year of No Longer Hip to Hate on Shakespeare.