1. People who play Never Have I Ever by constantly insisting, “Oh, that’s the one thing I HAVEN’T done.”
You: “Never have I ever done heroin.”
Them: “Whoooo-eee, that is the ONE drug I haven’t done. Ohhh man. Crazy times, crazy times.”
You: “Never have I ever had sex at the bottom of the ocean.”
Them: “Good thing you didn’t say “in a bed!” Because you would not believe some of the wild nights I’ve had. Oh baby!”
You: “Never have I ever punched a celebrity in the face.”
Them: “Not in the face, no, but boy have I punched some celebrities!”
…and so on. Note that this person loses EVERY TIME.
2. People who are overly enthusiastic about horrible, banal, annoying jobs, specifically the people who stand in the middle of the sidewalk with clipboards.
Him: “Hey you! Yeah, you! We’re gonna make CHANGE today!”
You: *puts in headphones*
Him: “You can’t spell environment without mention! As in, did I mention how fabulous it feels when you do the right thing?”
Him: “SAVE A WHALE! RAH RAH RAH! SAVE A WHALE! SING IT WITH ME NOW!”
3. People under the age of 50 who write memoirs.
Her (chewing thoughtfully on the end of a pen): Middle school was a particularly hard time for me. I remember we used to eat lunch in the cafeteria. The chairs were plastic, red and hard. I was lonely. Everything changed when I went to high school. I met Bobby. We kissed under the bleachers, and he tasted like [insert applicable popular candy of the decade].
4. People over the age of 50 who haven’t done anything that can be objectively described as “badass” and who write memoirs anyway, usually about a) the heavy drug/alcohol/party culture of their youth or b) the pristine/countrified/home-cookin’ culture of their youth.
Him: I remember growing up in the 80’s. All that big hair and neon clothing. Tim and I used to go down to the clubs and dance the night away, smashed out of our minds on acid.
Her: Mother baked the sweetest lingonberry pies.
You: ZZZZZZ! ZZZZZ! ZZZZZZZZ! JUST SHUT UP EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!
5. People who write recipes that call for too many onions.
You (while making the recipe): Ouch! Ouch! My eyes! GODDAMNNIT!
You (eating): Yum…YUCK!
6. People who offer to make “delicious, home-cooked meals” for your boyfriend.
Someone actually did this to me. Inexcusable, unless that person is your/his mom.
7. Old people who have no concept of time and constantly get your age wrong.
Your dad (with his arm around you): Hi, Aunt Agatha, you remember Juniper, my daught–
Aunt Agatha: Is this that skanky bleach-blonde wife of yours? You two were always pawing each other in public.
You (leaping away): AHHH!
Aunt Agatha: Oh, Juniper, my cataracts are so bad that I didn’t see you! You look just like your mother. How’s the fourth grade? You got a boyfriend yet?
You: I’m 22.
Aunt Agatha: Is that your husband?
8. People who don’t understand you and/or think you are always talking to them.
Your facebook status: UGH I WANNA DIE.
Them: http://www.thereisstillhope.com call me sometime gurl.
Your facebook status: Anyone know a good place I can pick up some crack cocaine? This day WILL NOT END.
Them: http://www.drugsarenottheanswer.org im here for you babe!
Your facebook status: It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
9. Really friendly people who are actually employees of weird, soul-sucking pyramid schemes.
Friendly girl: Hey! Sorry to bug you, but you have the CUTEST shoes. Can I ask where you got them?
You: Gee, thanks! What a relief to experience some friendly human-to-human interaction in this cold, bitter era! I got them at Payless.
Friendly girl: Awww, job doesn’t pay very well?
You: Hehe, you know.
Friendly girl: Have you ever considered working for Mary Kay?
You: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (You run out of there and update your facebook status to “TEAR MY HAIR OUT BY THE ROOTS AND SOUSE MY EYES WITH BURNING OIL!” Friend #8 helpfully directs you to http://www.amIacutter?.gov.)
10. People who are flakier than those Pillsbury commercials would have you believe their croissants are.
Instead of a dialogue, I’ll give you a sermon. It’s fine to flake every now and then. Everyone gets sick. Everyone occasionally feels like they’d rather jump out a windowpane of razor blades than socialize. However, if you flake on your friends two (2) times in a row, or several (SEVERAL) times in a month, especially when they have paid good money to prepare the cavier brulee that you specifically asked them to make, don’t be surprised when they move on without you. In this day of instant gratification and bloated newsfeeds, who has time for a flaky friend? Not me, Hugh, not me.
11. People who unnecessarily correct your “mistakes” and/or people who respond to casual texts with perfect capitalization and punctuation.
James Joyce at a writer’s workshop, reading aloud: Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:
– Introibo ad altare Dei.
Them: I’ll go first! OK, so my first comment is that “dressing gown” should be two words. Let’s see…oh, and I’m not sure that the Latin really does anything here, like it doesn’t really tell us anything about the character if we can’t understand what it means, you know?
You, commenting on another friend’s facebook status: aw guuurl that’s awesome!
Them: Sorry to be annoying, but did you mean girl?
Your text: are you coming to the thing tonight? i cant get a ride might be late cuz i have to take the el.
Their text: I’ll be there at 8 o’clock.
Who do you think is the most annoying person on this list? (IS IT YOU?) (Nahh, impossible.) (Secret answer #12: It’s the Kardashian sisters!) My vote goes to Person #1. Thanks, Person #1, for inspiring this whole post. Keep living on the edge.