I thought I had a hundred dollars left but apparently I have negative fourteen. Here are some ways I can survive until payday on Monday.
1. Morph into a higher form of creature who needs naught to survive but air and water.
2. Eat Babybug, the magazine for babies! “Featuring extra-heavy pages, non-toxic ink, rounded corners, and staple-free binding, BABYBUG is safe for
little ones to explore, helping them understand that reading is fun and can be a part of every day Tori to eat.” Bonus: since I work for Babybug (among other magazines), I have a practically unlimited supply of delicious nontoxic food at my disposal!
3. Eat my toiletries. I am sort of a toiletry hippie, so most of my products are safe to eat, as I use mostly avocado butter, jojoba oil, coconut oil, sweet almond oil, vegetable glycerin, and essential oils of rosemary, basil, lavendar, lemon, and tea tree. NOTE: DO NOT EAT LEMON OIL OR USE IT UNDILUTED. That stuff is hella strong. I was just joking about eating the lemon oil. The rest is serious.
4. Eat the scary frozen lentils that were in my fridge for 4+ months and that I threw away yesterday.
5. SURVIVE OFF THE DELICIOUS CHEESE AND OLIVE SAMPLES AT WHOLE FOODS (this one is in caps because a) I already do this and b) uh, yum!).
6. Sell my clothes on eBay. Keep only my yellow skinny jeans, yellow Frye boots, yellow coat, neon yellow cardigan, oversized yellow sweater, yellow knee socks, and superhero bodysuit made from pure, cursed gold stolen from the tombs of the Pharoahs. Change my name to Green.
7. Sell my little sister on eBay.
8. Sell the melted fondue cheese that hardened into the shape of the virgin Mary that my friend Meri threw away like a week ago on eBay.
9. Try out for the Joffrey Ballet. I hear they pay really well!
10. Sell my apartment on the black market. Say, “It’s great for growing weed!” When winter hits, punch the “starving young artist” who sells his “beautiful, noncomformist paintings” outside Caribou Coffee. Take his change. Burn his paintings to keep warm. Sell his paint supplies on eBay. When he wakes up, make friends with him and apologize so as not to upset my karma balance too much.