I don’t have a problem with the elderly. I
am one plan to be one someday. I love my grandparents. Sometimes I judge old people when they stare at me on the bus, but they’re judging me, so our bad karma cancels each other out and creates good karma…RIGHT? However, there is a certain sect of the old that MUST! BE! STOPPED! Act now, friends, or forever hold your peace!
I refer, of course, to the Grandmother Who Writes Children’s Literature.
There are a few subsects of the GWWCL:
1. “I Create the Ideal Grandchild Through My Literature” Grandma: This type of grandmother writes fluffly little pieces from the perspective of the grandchild she wishes she could have in real life. Example: poems titled “I Love Grandma,” “Grandma Bakes the Best Pies,” “My Snuggly Grandma,” “Grandma, You’re the Best!” “Dude, My Grandma’s Rockin'” and so forth. She creates freckle-faced little narrators that spew sentiments like, “Boy, is it Sunday yet? I can’t wait to go to Grandma’s house! She always has a plate of fresh-baked cookies, and she gives the best hugs EVER! Boy, I just can’t wait to visit Grandma. Once, Grandma took me to the zoo. IT WAS THE BEST! Every time I’m sad, Grandma knows how to make me feel better. I love mowing her lawn and taking out the trash–it’s the least I can do!”
NOTE OF SOME INTEREST: The problem with the ICTIGTML Grandma is that no matter how much grandchildren love their grandma, they would NEVER express it with such cloying cutesiness. They are scheming ways to set Grandma’s dog on fire and steal all her loose change.
2. The “I Complement My Grandmothering Skills Through My Literature” Grandma: Similar to the ICTIGTML-GWWCL, the ICMGSTML Grandma writes works of art that celebrate the perfect grandmother–based, of course, on her own life. Expect to see gems like “What I Like About Grandma” and “What Makes Grandma So Unique.” While the ICMGSTML Grandma loves to praise her own “fluffy white hair,” “special special kisses,” and “wise use of retirement money,” a more accurate list would probably run as follows:
Grandma has no money
So Grandma has no clothes
My mom says she’s “eccentric”
So I guess that’s how it goes
We take her to a thrift store
To try on a pink shirt
She smells a little funny
And drinks a lot from a bottle
And screams at me from the dressing room
“GET ME ANOTHER SIZE!”
NOTE OF SOME INTEREST: SO I’M NOT A POET. What did you expect, a sonnet?! Geez, you people, it’s like I don’t get a moment’s rest.
3. The “Unintentionally (Dear Lord At Least We Hope It’s Unintentional) Sexual” Grandma: The U(DLALWHIU)S Grandma is perhaps the most horrifying of the Grandmas Who Write Children’s Literature. This Grandma likes to write about teenage boys who perform “acts of kindness” to older women, but manages to infuse her writing with a tension that can only be described as…uh…hard to ignore. A real-life quote: “A deep, absurdly loud sigh escapes me as memories of Grandma flood my brain–round and bumpy in all the right places, smelling pleasantly of lilacs…”
NOTE OF SOME INTEREST: Scholars have debated for centuries whether or not the U(DLALWHIU)S Grandma is a valid subset of the Grandmas Who Write Children’s Literature. Those who profess disbelief at the existence of the U(DLALWHIU)S Grandma insist that she is merely a figment of the imaginations of immature young editors who can “make a dirty joke out of anything.” Those who argue for the existence of the U(DLALWHIU)S Grandma cite numerous examples from literature that support their case, most notably the infamous U(DLALWHIU)S Grandma who wrote the Song of the Inchworm, whose memorable chorus went “humpy-up tickle, humpy-up tickle.”