Alternative Halloween Costumes 4 U

Women often complain about the eternal Halloween costume dilemma: come October 31, our only options are a) sexy kitten, b) sexy princess, or c) UGLY OLD HAG. And ladies, I hear you. It’s totally unfair that society expects us to slut it up and flaunt our boob jobs that we got FOR THE FAMILY’S EYES ONLY in order to run around from bar to bar being ogled by aging frat boys. Don’t worry, it’s not too late to break away from the mold! I’ve compiled a list of alternative costumes that will make you feel good about yourself while flouting society’s cruel, cruel demands.

NOTE: this list isn’t just for the ladies. Men, if you’ve ever felt used for your taut abs and chiseled pecs, feel free to turn to this list for solace.

 Roman gods feel objectified, too.

Sexy dry-cleaning bag

Sexy trash can

Sexy living room

Sexy soup

Sexy red and gold couch pillow with tassels

Sexy stain

Sexy Kurt Cobain

Sexy corporate waste of allocated resources

Sexy anteater

Sexy atom

Sexy recipe

Sexy empty container of Breyer’s Neapolitan ice cream

Sexy New Yorker (the magazine)

Sexy newborn baby

Sexy invisible person

Sexy hipster (good luck with this one)

Sexy mismatched pair of socks (makes a good “couples costume,” too!)

Sexy scare quotes

Sexy colon (the punctuation mark)

Sexy colon (the final part of the digestive system that extracts water and salt from solid waste)

Sexy sexy

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2 thoughts on “Alternative Halloween Costumes 4 U”

  1. Yes! Down with Halloween sluts! P.S. Sexy + Kurt Cobain = Awkward and awesome. P.S.S. Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an actual sexy invisible person/ghost. It's sad that I know that.

You are truly great.

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