In the past 24 hours, not only has my personal laptop bite the dust, but my computer at work crashed, resulting in all my files being erased.
You wouldn’t think I would care so much about my work computer, but that had SO MANY FILES ON IT. So many files that were totally necessary for me to do my day-to-day job. I feel like I just started a new job–I have nothing. Not even my old emails. Not even the hundreds of emails I saved from my boyfriend, or the gadjillion emails I needed to respond to.
The thing that kills me most is that the most recent draft of one of my short stories was on that computer. Why the hell didn’t I email it to myself? THE ONE TIME I DON’T EMAIL IT TO MYSELF!
I loathe computers. I loathe them so much. I think it’s infinitely creepy that they’re designed to break. I think it’s disgusting how often upgrades are required. I JUST WANT TO TYPE SOMETHING IN A F—ING WORD PROCESSOR. I don’t give a damn about amenities or add-ons or whatever. I just want to type my short stories in peace without having to worry that AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, IF NOT MORE, my entire life is going to go up in flames because some loser geek in silicon valley spends his meaningless days rolling in money and dreaming about his dungeon master girlfriend and PURPOSEFULLY DESIGNING THIS EXPENSIVE THING TO BREAK.
Oh, I should have emailed everything to myself? I should have backed up? I should have paid–PAID!!!–for that creepy service advertised on the El with the guy with his head in his hands over his laptop that says, “Tony should have bought That Creepy Service. Now he lost everything.” NO. NO. Why the fuck should I pay for this expensive loser computer if it’s NOT GOING TO WORK. I DIDN’T BUY A COMPUTER SO I COULD BE CONSTANTLY BACKING SHIT UP AND STORING IT ON THE F—ING INTERNET. What happens when the internet breaks? (Solar storms, bitches, look it up.) Do I get a refund on That Creepy Service?
Sorry that I have this crazy idea that computers should work, like, uh, for good, and that I shouldn’t have to have three or four backup plans in case of “emergency,” aka planned obsolescence. PLANNED! Are you hearing this? Can you imagine if cars worked that way? Uh-oh, system malfunction. Have fun being toooootally dead!
Dude…a NOTEBOOK. MADE OUT OF PAPER. Costs like three bucks, will never randomly “crash” on you. It can be destroyed, but only by the same things that destroy computers: theft, loss, fire, water. Arsenic. Blowtorches. Zombie armies. Finely-sharpened nails. I AM COMING TO GET YOU, COMPUTERS OF THE WORLD.
PS: I was feeling bad about all the cursing in this post so I went back and edited a lot of it out. A LOT. Don’t worry, my computer still knows that I typed it. Good. I wanted you to know. I want you to know that I’m coming for you. I want you to be afraid.