Traumatizing Moments From My Present, Volume Two: Things That Go "Splash" in the Daytime

Speaking of life’s great ironies…

Wait, let me start at the beginning. It involves me talking a little bit about my Facebook photo albums. Is that OK? I know Facebook is really boring and there are lots of spambots on it that want to suck out your soul and advertise non-stop to your decaying flesh. Besides, what if someone just broke up with you on Facebook? It happens! I would hate to rip off that new-formed scar. ARE YOU SURE IT’S OK FOR ME TO MENTION FACEBOOK?

Awesome.

Two years ago, I posted the following picture to Facebook with the caption: “We asked a homeless man to take this picture, and then he peed on the camera and told us to kiss his flabby black ass.” Yeah, perhaps I could have been a little more tasteful in my choice of words, but that’s not important.

tempting fate in 2008

Two days ago, I posted a new photo album to Facebook with this caveat: “No more long-winded, flamboyant descriptions about homeless men peeing on me. That never happened, anyway!” See what I did there? I tried to switch my karma. But to no avail, because…

Two hours ago, A HOMELESS MAN PEED ON ME!

him
me

(He didn’t exactly pee on me, per say, I just walked right into his pee stream. It was totally my fault. I mean, everyone knows that when you walk past Macy’s in the middle of the day, you have to look right and left to check for pee streams before proceeding. DUH. I really learned my lesson. Why do I keep saying “pee stream”? I have this sick feeling that it’s going to enter popular–mainstream, if you will–vernacular. It’s just so funny-sounding. SPREAD THE WORD, EVERYONE! No, don’t. I’m conflicted! Sorry I have to go dip my legs in bleach.)

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