Dude, listen. If I were a homeless person, I wouldn’t be lame like everyone else. If I were a homeless person, I’d be friggin’ COOL.
1. I’d listen to my iPod all the time. I’d have an iPod because homeless people are rich. Let’s be honest—they make way more than I do. (I can’t afford a nice new peacoat, but the homeless guy outside Starbucks sure can!) I’d jam out to classic homeless favorites like “Take the Long Way Home” and “Take Me Home, Country Roads”; however, I’d be sure to have all the obscurest indie tunes on my ‘pod, so that passersby would groan in envy at how hip and cultured I was.
2. While listening to my iPod, I’d constantly text my homeless friends on my iPhone, while typing To-Do lists on my iPad (1 – Get more money 2 – Find some food 3 – Vodka break? 4 – Check price of 7-Eleven sunflower seeds) and making beats on my iMac. When other homeless people tried to steal my snazzy technology, I’d scream “GET A JOB!”
3. The key to looking fashionable is mixing high- and low-end merchandise. I’d pair my Balmain jacket with a fetching pair of plastic bag bloomers, or grunge up my Prada heels with some chewed-up gum. I’d have a streetstyle blog called Cardboard is the New Chanel. All the pictures would be of me.
4. I’d have a homeless lover, and we’d sit on public benches and stare deeply into each other’s eyes, with matching McDonald’s coffee cups quivering by our entwined feet. Every time someone threw change into our cups, we’d kiss. Eventually, we’d have a big homeless wedding with pigeon bridesmaids.
5. I wouldn’t sit on the sidewalk—so demeaning! I’d sit on rooftops and yell at people to toss up money. If they were rude, I’d drop pennies on their heads. Did you know a penny dropped from the top of the Sears Tower can kill a man? Tee-hee!
6. I’d go into hotels and wait for people to leave their rooms, then I’d slip in before the door had a chance to lock. I’d curl up in the bed, take a catnap, watch some TV, and empty out the minibar.
7. When the police yelled at me for sleeping in other people’s hotel rooms, I’d respond with a shockingly eloquent tirade of legal jargon, something like this: Good sirs! The terms “homeless person” or “homeless people” do not appear in the U.S. Constitution. So how are we to know what rights, if any, the homeless have? The enforcement of your acrimonious ordinances violates the rights of chronically homeless residents who have no other place to sleep. Sirs, you are are intimidating, harassing and arresting a chronically homeless resident for the natural and involuntary acts of sleeping and having a stiff drink.
8. I’d have awesome signs. Half of them would be abstract works of postmodern genius, like this:
…while the other half would be lyrical and sincere: Ladies and Gentlemen of the World. Do not look at me as a blight upon society, a thwarted and dangerous and probably drugged-up young white woman sucking the dregs from the pockets of the more fortunate. While I do enjoy throwing the occasional knife at an innocent passerby, I do so out of a deep-seated need to come to grips with my own mortality, not out of any bitter hatred for society. Thank you for giving generously.
9. I’d be an eco-friendly homeless person. When kind passersby gave me their leftovers, I’d demand to know if they were raw, vegan, organic, and locally-grown. If they weren’t, I’d throw them on the ground and spit on them. Then I’d punch the giver in the face while screaming “OHM!” I’d offer to give interviews as Granola McHomeless, the world’s first eco-friendly burlesque bag lady. I’d insist that my money was going toward obscure environmental causes, like “clouds,” and when people refused to give, I’d look at them with withering scorn and hiss, “And you call yourself a human.” I’d have lots of pets, as the homeless tend to do, but mine would all be endangered species. I’d have a panda named Louis XIV, and a white Siberian tiger with a diamond-encrusted collar named Jafar.
10. I’d slouch around, wearing dirty clothes and pretending to be poor, looking judgmentally at anyone who appeared the slightest bit happy.
And that’s what I’d do if I were a hipster!