Ever wondered what it would be like to have a real face-to-face conversation with me? Many have. Few have actually experienced it. I am usually so busy vomming in the sink or screaming at my boyfriend that I have no time for any other human interaction. It’s hard being so divalicious. Here’s how it would probably go if you and I happened to run into each other.
Me: Oh hey there!
Me: There’s no need to be intimidated, young Padawan. I’m very approachable.
(I hold out a few breadcrumbs. You snarl, grab them, stuff them into your mouth, and retreat back into your fort. Oh yeah, you’ve built a fort and you’re hiding in it and I came over to talk you out of it because your mom wants you in for dinner. I forgot to say that.)
Me: You wanna grab some dinner? It’s been forever!
Me: OK, let’s get pizza.
You: Why do you always want pizza?
Me: Because pizza is the best food ever!
Me: Garlic? So good.
You: That’s true, too.
Me: And any combo of bread + cheese—MMM!
(You crawl out of the fort and we go ask your mom if we can order pizza instead of eating her tuna casserole. She says yes because you have a cool mom.)
As you can see, I come across looking way cooler, more mature, and well-traveled (nothing screams “Paris!” more than bread + cheese) than you do.