Scott Weiland: Babe, I know it’s been a hard few decades. Your band got ripped apart by critics all over the 90’s. I mean, you can’t step anywhere without tripping over a torn limb or stepping in a puddle of congealing Stone Temple Pilot blood. But baby, let’s leave the past behind. I wanna make it up to you. See? No criticism here! Your ex-wife was so happy on the day that she left you? I’ll be happy when you walk through my door. I’m happy now, just talking to your answering machine. Sigh… CALL ME BACK, DAMMIT!
Hugh Jackman: Hugh, I know last night was awkward. Your wife walking in on us blah blah blah smashing plates. But indecent exposure is the name of the fame game, baby! Think of the roles you’ll get after our affair is splashed all over the tabloids. You’ll finally be the dark, twisted, melancholy villain you’ve always wanted to play. Remember our first date, when you told me how you were sick of being perpetually typecast as the dreamiest of dreamy dreamboats? This is your chance, my love! Call me ASAP to discuss our future. XOXO.
Taylor Lautner: Hey, it’s me. I’m sorry I talked so much smack about Twilight. You have to understand–I hate Edward. I hate Bella. But I have never hated you. I would have totes.com boycotted the movies, had you been replaced, and I have given up a significant amount of my writerly street cred by even seeing the movies in the first place. They’re threatening to take away my Fiction Card because of it! Darling, NOW do you believe me when I say I’m on your team? Call me.
Courtney Love: Sorry for the uncomfortable run-in at K’s grave the other night. I was bringing flowers, you were bringing flowers, I was wearing his favorite color, you were wearing his favorite color, I was shooting up in his honor, you were shooting up in his honor…I KNOW. AWK. I just want you to know that I did not sleep with him. We were just really, really, really good friends. He had always hoped that you and I could be close. Well, goodb–HE WROTE “LOVE BUZZ” FOR ME. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just thought you should know. But it was totally not sexual. “Buzz” just meant our intellectual chemistry, you know? Ok, well, bye.
Jonathan Rhys Meyer: CALLING THE POLICE?!? Really, Jon? I was not “lurking around your house,” I was looking for that earring I dropped. WHICH YOU BOUGHT ME. Yes you did and don’t you deny it. The earring happened to be caught on your rose trellis, which was why I was up there–I was NOT “peering voyeuristically through your window.” I get it, you need your space! Which is why I was leaving when you called the cops on me. IS CHIVALRY DEAD, JON? I can’t believe you would just stand there and let them…frisk me like that! You know what you are? You’re a creep. Don’t contact me again. Oh actually I never got my earring so maybe I’ll swing by tonight, OK? I picked up a bottle of your favorite Scotch. And that wedding magazine you like so much.