Ah, the wisdom that comes along with age. I have learned a lot over the past few days. For example, you should be really thankful that your ears don’t itch right now. Yes, YOU. Do your ears itch? No? Then SING IT, SISTER, SING THAT HALLELUJAH. Because my ears itched for a really long time during my Leprosy Phase, and now they don’t, and it’s a beautiful thing.
And you should never take cameras on vacation. You should leave your cell phone off until a good 12 hours after you’ve arrived home. You should spend every second you can outside, preferably ankle-deep in really icy water and really bright sun, and you should try not to slip on the beautiful fool’s gold at the bottom of the river. THIS WILL CURE YOUR LEPROSY.
But more importantly, I’ve learned a lot about love, and I’d like to share that wisdom with you. BEHOLD: my simple, patented technique for telling a Good Boyfriend from a Bad Boyfriend (And Everything In Between). Order yours today, and receive a Brad-Pitt-O-Matic ABSOLUTELY FREE, $65 dollar value!!
Does he take you to look at the tabloids in the airport? Good boyfriend.
Does he assist you as you try to kidnap a cute baby? Good boyfriend.
Does he pick out the prettiest rocks at the bottom of the stream and give them to you? Good boyfriend.
Is his concept of a “pretty rock” kind of seriously screwed up, like he picks you the grossest rock you can possibly imagine and sincerely thinks that it’s beautiful and you’re like “but it has slimy green things stuck to it and holes that look like pockmark scars” and he’s like “I think it looks interesting”? Bad boyfriend.
Does he help you jump off a scary rock into the cold deep murky part of the river without teasing you? Good boyfriend.
Once you’ve jumped in, does he scream “A SHARK JUST BIT MY LEG OFF!”? Bad boyfriend.
Does he get territorial when the zip-line boy puts a harness on you? Good but also bad boyfriend.
Does he laugh at you when you don’t make it all the way to the end of the zip-line? Bad boyfriend.
Does he join the Vermont Secessionist Movement? Rebel boyfriend.
Does he buy you soy milk because he knows you’re kind of a vegan? Good boyfriend.
Does he use the word “dank” 123098 times in one day? Bad boyfriend.
Does he listen to all your twenty-something writing insecurities and life fears? Good boyfriend.
Does he take you on a – and I quote – “spoooooooky walk”? Creepy boyfriend.
Does he drink wine from a paper bag while walking down the highway at midnight? Homeless boyfriend.
Does he pull you to the side of the highway every time a car passes, and does he insist on holding the flashlight? AWW boyfriend.
Does he come up with the idea that flashlight + paper bag = instant gorgeous lantern? Genius boyfriend.
Does he help you steal tables to lay on so that you can look at the stars because you don’t want to lay on the wet grass I don’t care if it’s romantic no it will not “DRY OUT” when we lay on it we’ll just get pneumonia? Good boyfriend.
When you ask “are there cannibals in Vermont?” does he simply lay there in silence? Bad boyfriend.
Does he show you your first shooting star? Good boyfriend.
Does he give you all his steak frite fries? NO? Bad boyfriend.
Does he make you milky tea when you’re feeling blue? Good boyfriend.
Does he yell at you when he finds you curled on the rug and watching Gossip Girl? Bad boyfriend.
Does he force you to watch “Earth: A Biography?” Insane boyfriend.
Does he ignore you when you float precariously close to the dangerous waterfall in your inner tube? Bad boyfriend.
Does he rescue you from a terrifying death, just in time? GOOD BOYFRIEND.